Nowhere Tribune

Earlier this week, God announced His decision to heal Wilma Smith, a terminal cancer patient, via a memo sent to Fox News. The memo states that He made his decision after reading a comment on a Facebook post regarding a benefit luncheon to help with expenses for Mrs. Smith. According to the memo: “I read … Continue reading →

Sunny Bog, Florida: A local church is boycotting Starbucks after a young barista failed to say ‘bless you’ to a sneezy customer. Sources say that Anita Goodbath, tambourine player at Old Times Gospel Church, sneezed while waiting for her Venti Mocha Frappuccino and blueberry donut last Sunday afternoon, but Callie Carpenter, sixteen-year-old barista and Junior … Continue reading →

Fed up with poor sportsmanship and bad behavior, a group of nine and ten-year-old softball players in North Texas voted last week to make long-needed changes to their league. “Things were getting out of hand,” said Hannah Wright, starting pitcher for the Beastie Bats and fourth grader at Little Tree Elementary last Wednesday. “We really … Continue reading →

A prominent Fort Worth Baptist Pastor appeared on Fox News last night to defend Republican Representative Wilfred D. Mabry’s recent statement that he enjoyed Fort Worth prostitutes on a weekly basis.   “Twenty years ago, I wouldn’t dream of going to Rosedale Street to find a prostitute,” said Mabry last week at a west Fort … Continue reading →

One evening, while stocking the ketchup aisle at the local grocery store, the boys and I were talking about rodeos, a subject that had been on my mind for months. Earlier that year, in the locker room at school, I overheard some guys talking about a boy who had won a buckle riding a bull. … Continue reading →

Before his first mission to China, Henry Rambow went through training which, among other things, taught him to hide his Christianity. He learned to cover his Bible with a brown paper sack, learned code words for Christian terms, and learned to keep his voice lower than surrounding noise so not to be heard by those … Continue reading →

Timothy Caso has lifted weights for decades. When he was younger, he trained in an Olympic gym, and his lifting partner made the 1980 Olympic team. With a 297 pound snatch and a 391 pound clean and jerk, Caso himself is no weakling. Though Caso isn’t training for the Olympics today, he still lifts, and … Continue reading →

Farm Road 917 runs west out of Joshua toward Godley. When I was growing up, it was a quiet road with little traffic. If you wanted to get to my house, which you didn’t, you turned left onto Gunn Court just before you topped the hill on 917 a mile out of Joshua. The landmark … Continue reading →

Abilene, Texas: A young Abilene man spent the night in a local emergency room after receiving a thrashing from a female gym goer last Wednesday. According to eye witnesses, Shelby Stewart, a regular Bro at the Crusty Crab Weight Shack on South 14th street, had it coming. “The guy is obnoxious,” said an older gentleman … Continue reading →

Austin, Texas: As the State Board of Education moves forward on the approval of text books for use beginning in 2019, several politically appointed panel members want to see “flat earth science” presented as a valid alternative to the round-earth conspiracy. “Neither round earth nor flat earth science provide all the answers,” said panelist Beth … Continue reading →

Breaking A Fort Worth man died yesterday after his eight-hour shift at the Tarrant County Tax Appraisal office. According to sources, John Smith’s death was a direct result of overly talkative co-workers. “When John came home yesterday, and I asked how his day was, he just said ‘shhhh,’ laid down on the couch, and died,” … Continue reading →

A local CrossFit competitor is in the hospital after last Saturday’s games in Dallas. According to Sally Shortcake, things went south when she remembered a bit of advice from her coach. “I was in the snatch part of the contest,” said Sally. “I had the barbell overhead. It was my PR. (Yay!) Just then, I … Continue reading →

According to popular creation scientist Harry Hornelius, sea horses are “mythological creatures.” Standing inside the Sea Horse Exhibit at the National Aquarium in Baltimore, MD last Thursday, Hornelius explained: “The so-called ‘sea horse’ is a creation of the fallen mind, just like unicorns, centaurs, and dinosaurs. Nowhere in the Bible are sea horses mentioned.” When … Continue reading →

Dress normal. If you try to look like a rancher when you aren’t, they’ll know it before you sit down. Don’t be a clown. Stay quiet. Ranchers and farmers are friendly, but they are generally on the verge of losing their patience, especially during a drought. Don’t test them by asking stupid questions. Know the … Continue reading →

It was dark and windy when we arrived at Hotel Turkey in Turkey, Texas, population 421. We parked in a dirt lot across the street, which was empty other than a large black dog trotting home for the night. The hotel originally opened in 1927 and has stayed in business continuously since then. George W. … Continue reading →

I recently wrote another post about this state park here. My lovely hiking partner and I arrived at Caprock Canyons State Park (3 miles north of Quitaque, Texas) at 8:00 A.M. last Saturday. The park ranger advised us to be out of the canyon by 2:00 P.M. as the temperature was to reach 103, but … Continue reading →

Last summer I was standing in line for the twisty slide at the public pool with my little boy. Another young boy was behind me, staring at the tattoo on my shoulder with a puzzled look on his face. “Is that a rat?” he asked. It’ not a rat; it’s not a rodent at all, … Continue reading →

A friend from another country once asked me why Texans are so proud of their state. Other than my dad’s attempt to move us to Florida when I was four (we moved back to Texas in eight months), and my year of teaching in Oklahoma, I’ve lived in Texas my whole life. My roots are … Continue reading →

In 1980, downtown Joshua was still on Main Street, which a few decades before had been part of the main road from Cleburne to Fort Worth.  Most of the businesses were on the west side. The Owl Inn Café was where you could find the old timers (who still said “Josh-u-way”); it was the only … Continue reading →

These rules are a matter of preference. If you prefer to be regarded as a man, follow them. 1. Leave the lifting mittens in your wife’s closet. Don’t tell me they improve your grip. If your hands are that sweaty, wipe them with a towel. A benefit of weight lifting is having strong, calloused hands. … Continue reading →

New to weight-lifting? Want the best results with the least amount of time in the gym? Whether you are a guy or girl, here are the important basics. 1. Concentrate on the big lifts. They work the most muscle groups and lead to the best over-all development. Squats, deadlifts, bench press, rows, and shoulder presses … Continue reading →

You’ve showed up at the rodeo, paid your fees, and signed the waiver. Now what? First, you’ll need to know what bull you’ve drawn. Your “draw” is the bull you are going to climb on and try to ride. Before you get to the rodeo, it will be helpful to familiarize yourself with the vocabulary … Continue reading →

Close to a year ago, I cancelled the gym membership I’d had for years and set up a small garage gym at home. Here’s why that was a great move. I don’t have a monthly bill. It does take some money up front to get started at home, but it doesn’t have to take much. … Continue reading →

The following is from my book, “Used to Want to Be a Cowboy.” Kowbell Rodeo was the only year-round, indoor rodeo in the state. Whether Christmas, Easter, or Super Bowl Sunday, the rodeo went on. By the time I was a senior in high school, I headed over from Joshua to ride bulls every time I … Continue reading →

Ronald Clay was an older cowboy who lived outside of Flomot, Texas, which accounts for about 180 of the 1,000 people who live in Motley County. I came to know Mr. Clay when I worked for the USDA office in Matador, Texas, 90 miles northeast of Lubbock. I knew that the Clay boys had been … Continue reading →