Nowhere Tribune

I almost began this with, “If there is an illness that is the opposite of hoarding, I have it.” But then I googled “What is the opposite of hoarding” and found that there is such an illness. “Compulsive Decluttering.” Or, “obsessive-compulsive spartanism,” which I like better because it’s cool to be a spartan. Not that … Continue reading →

Pete was the coolest boy, with the prettiest girlfriend, in fifth grade. We who considered ourselves friends of Pete were merely followers. Whatever he did, however he dressed, or wore his hair, became the instant style. Boys even tried to walk like Pete. Pete and Sam and I were in the same home room, sat … Continue reading →

I met Tiffany in freshman Animal Science class in college. She had big brown eyes, long black hair, a perfect body, and a personality to melt any nineteen-year-old cowboy. I fell for her right off. During the next months, she taught me things I’d never dreamed a country girl knew. She was an expert in … Continue reading →

My training buddy called early Saturday morning. I knew why. “Are you still running?” he asked. We were right on the line where rain turns to snow; it was 32 degrees, windy, and raining. “Yep,” I said. “I’ve actually trained for this one, and I’m not skipping for anything.” “I thought you’d say that,” he … Continue reading →

Only when I started running again did I realize what I was missing during my three-year break. I didn’t remember at first, though. Those first months of trying to regain what I had lost, of trying to remember what it was I used to love–I made it through those months on discipline alone. Discipline motivated … Continue reading →

Where once I was bound to childish wanderings and inconsequential deeds, I am now on the path of the timeless masters, the dust of their footsteps before me yet unsettled—Dave Draper, Iron In my Hands.   Paxton Sherrill, recent graduate and personal trainer at Planet Fitness, met with former Mr. Universe Dave Draper (76) to … Continue reading →

QUITAQUE, TX—According to everyone in attendance at last night’s game between the home town Quitaque Boll Weevils and the visiting Estelline Prairie Dogs, the Weevil’s victory came down to the leadership of one dedicated fan. Ralph Martin (53) of Quitaque said that he was happy to have helped. “Those stupid coaches don’t know what the … Continue reading →

Red Gap Brewery is the only place within fifty miles of my house where you can buy a craft beer or eat from a food truck. Yesterday, after finishing a home improvement project that I started on July 4 (I don’t recommend hiring me if you want it finished quickly), I decided to celebrate by … Continue reading →

Suicide is one of the top causes of death among middle-aged men in the United States. In the last few years, a handful of men I’ve known have taken their lives. You’ve probably known some, too. The reasons are many, and varied, and complicated. But a lack of true friends, and a strong feeling of … Continue reading →

JASPER, TX—Bowser McCain, Head Deacon at the First Canine hard-shell Baptist Church in Jasper, announced to the church Sunday that he is disowning his daughter. “It breaks my heart to have to tell you this, brethren and sistren,” said a weeping McCain, “but Daisy, our once beloved pup, has run off with a Chocolate Lab … Continue reading →

San Antonio, Texas: Shaded under the sprawling branches of the 106-year-old Live Oak known as the “Heritage Tree” behind the North Barracks of the Alamo, renowned creation scientist Harry Hornelius said yesterday that the mission made famous by the Texas Revolution is “at most, thirty years old.” Nowhere Tribune’s Leo Hernandez, a thirty-year-old native of … Continue reading →

Ranger, Texas: Rufus P. Hadley stares across the prison yard where he’s spent the last twelve of his fifteen years with  both regret and acceptance showing in his large, brown eyes. “I wasn’t more than a pup when I came here,” he said, his gravelly voice betraying long, hard years. “I just got to running with … Continue reading →

Abilene, Texas: A young Abilene man spent the night in a local emergency room after receiving a thrashing from a female gym goer last Wednesday. According to eye witnesses, Shelby Stewart, a regular Bro at the Crusty Crab Weight Shack on South 14th street, had it coming. “The guy is obnoxious,” said an older gentleman … Continue reading →

Austin, Texas: As the State Board of Education moves forward on the approval of text books for use beginning in 2019, several politically appointed panel members want to see “flat earth science” presented as a valid alternative to the round-earth conspiracy. “Neither round earth nor flat earth science provide all the answers,” said panelist Beth … Continue reading →

Breaking A Fort Worth man died yesterday after his eight-hour shift at the Tarrant County Tax Appraisal office. According to sources, John Smith’s death was a direct result of overly talkative co-workers. “When John came home yesterday, and I asked how his day was, he just said ‘shhhh,’ laid down on the couch, and died,” … Continue reading →

A local CrossFit competitor is in the hospital after last Saturday’s games in Dallas. According to Sally Shortcake, things went south when she remembered a bit of advice from her coach. “I was in the snatch part of the contest,” said Sally. “I had the barbell overhead. It was my PR. (Yay!) Just then, I … Continue reading →

Last summer I was standing in line for the twisty slide at the public pool with my little boy. Another young boy was behind me, staring at the tattoo on my shoulder with a puzzled look on his face. “Is that a rat?” he asked. It’ not a rat; it’s not a rodent at all, … Continue reading →

These rules are a matter of preference. If you prefer to be regarded as a man, follow them. 1. Leave the lifting mittens in your wife’s closet. Don’t tell me they improve your grip. If your hands are that sweaty, wipe them with a towel. A benefit of weight lifting is having strong, calloused hands. … Continue reading →

You’ve showed up at the rodeo, paid your fees, and signed the waiver. Now what? First, you’ll need to know what bull you’ve drawn. Your “draw” is the bull you are going to climb on and try to ride. Before you get to the rodeo, it will be helpful to familiarize yourself with the vocabulary … Continue reading →

The following is from my book, “Used to Want to Be a Cowboy.” Kowbell Rodeo was the only year-round, indoor rodeo in the state. Whether Christmas, Easter, or Super Bowl Sunday, the rodeo went on. By the time I was a senior in high school, I headed over from Joshua to ride bulls every time I … Continue reading →