Florida Group Says that Clown Sightings Signal the End


Reports of clown attacks have been making news across the country. A Florida church says it’s no coincidence.

“As soon as I seen that story about the clowns, I knew it was a sign,” said Judson Whitehead, pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida.

According to Whitehead, Daniel 12:4 is a direct prophecy of the clowns. “The prophet said that in the end times, ‘many will run to and fro.’ Everything I’ve read said these suckers are a running to and fro. And of course they are; that’s what the Bible said they’d do.”

When questioned as to whether or not the verse was taken out of context, Whitehead replied: “When looking at a Bible verse, you do have to consider what the rest of the Bible says. Me and the deacons got together the other morning and prayed about it, and we’re even more convinced. Moe [a deacon] reminded us of Luke 21:25-26. It says that in the end times, ‘Men’s hearts will be failing with fear.’ And that’s exactly what happens when some ole boy sees one of them clowns.”

Anita Goodbath, who plays tambourine for the church, agreed. “Yes, I do believe that the clowns are a sign of the end. When Brother Whitehead preached about it last Sunday, I just knew in my heart that it was true.”

During Bible study on a recent Wednesday, a visiting preacher from a nearby church explained the significance of clowns: “Clowns aren’t some innocent, cutesy creation of modern times; they stem from ancient, pagan religions. In the Heathen language, the word ‘clown’ meant pervert. And that’s consistent with what the Bible says about clowns. Deuteronomy 22:5 says that it’s an ABOMINATION for a man to wear women’s clothing, and we see these clowns running around in polka-dots and makeup!”

“I believe that Satan is gathering his army of clowns for the battle we read about in Revelation,” said Whitehead during his Sunday morning message to a rapt audience, most of whom were wearing “Trump” campaign pins. “So now’s the time to decide: are you going to walk the golden streets, or spend an eternity in hell with polka-dot clad perverts?”

When asked when the end was likely to come, Whitehead replied, “We never set dates. We merely proclaim Biblical truth. But I do believe that there are 2016 references to clowns in the Bible, and that has to mean something. ”



About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love life, good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemmingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


Comments are closed.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Follow Nowhere Tribune on



Unless otherwise noted, all content © Me, the guy who wrote this stuff, 2012-2017.
%d bloggers like this: