Christianity, News, satire

Numerologists Say World did End Saturday, but NASA is Covering it Up

Actual photo of Planet Niburu speeding toward Earth

Christian numerologists say that the world did end on September 23, but that NASA is covering it up.

Based upon an interpretation of Scripture and numerical codes in the King James Version Bible, numerologists predicted September 23 to be a “day of doom,” and they say that despite claims and evidence to the contrary, it was:

“Just as we predicted, Saturday was the last day of the world as we know it. Sadly, the liberal news media, along with a group of atheist scientists, are involved in a huge conspiracy to cover it up,” said a spokesperson for “Truths in Astronomy” who chose not to be identified.

The series of events were supposed to begin when a mysterious Planet X collided with the earth.

Last week, NASA published a statement on their website stating that Planet X, also known as Niburu, doesn’t exist and belongs to an old, often recycled fable.

According to the numerologists, “NASA has been studying the planet Niburu and its course for decades. They have thousands of documents pertaining to the planet stored in their secret warehouse near Houston. They knew that Niburu would collide with earth, and they chose to cover it up.”

We spoke with several residents of Austin, Texas Sunday morning, and none realized that the world had ended.

“I got up this morning, fed my cats and ate breakfast. I saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. Everything seemed normal to me,” said Hugo Martinez.

When asked if any of his cats were missing he replied, “No, not one.”

When the group, “Truths in Astronomy,” were asked why they believed the world ended despite the evidence, they replied:

“Only atheists ask for evidence. We have a higher authority. Higher than NASA. Higher than you reporters.”

Why, we asked, did the world seem to still be here?

“You’re blinded by your sins, and deluded by scientists.”

As usual, we consulted with Judson Whitehead, pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida. When asked if he believes that the world ended on Saturday, he responded:

“Absolutely, with all my heart. God said it, I believe it, and that settles it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a potluck to attend.”

 

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

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