attraction, dating, interview, manners, relationships, sex, women

Interview with Duana Welch, Part Two: Dating Advice for Men

Part II

 

This is Part Two of my interview with Duana Welch, Ph.D. and author of Love Factually. If you missed Part One, you can find it here.

Part one covered some general observations on attraction and relationships and some specific advice for married men. This part will be more for single men. Here we go…

 

What are some things that you consider major turn-offs? If you see this behavior, you want nothing to do with a guy?

Le Sigh. Guys, women are done with hearing “Hey, beautiful,” “Hi there,” and “What are you doing?” as a response to their online profiles. If you send a generic message, prepare for generic silence—especially from beautiful and desirable women. You aren’t the only guy who wants her; differentiate yourself by paying close attention to her profile and writing a note that reflects that.

Ditto with the constant texting. It puts everyone on an electronic leash and requires zero bravery. Women appreciate courage because it says you want them enough to stick your neck out. So show some courage, and call rather than text.

Also, failing to confirm the date is, increasingly, a really good way not to have a date. Show respect: ask her out at least three days beforehand, and then call a full day in advance to confirm.

And in your own profile, it’s a huge turnoff if you say anything openly sexual, show yourself shirtless (or even worse, send photos of your penis), or say “no fat chicks.” The first two show a short-term mating strategy (e.g., the hookup); if you want a woman to want you, give commitment signals by being fully clothed and keeping the dick pics to yourself. And saying what kind of woman you don’t like, serves as an I’m A Jerk—Stay Away warning to all the women you actually would like.

 

I’m amazed that any guy would think that’s impressive, but apparently young men and older politicians alike think those are good strategies. What are some things a man can do to guarantee that he doesn’t get a second date?

Take her somewhere depressing, talk only about yourself, brag, be condescending and rude, use her for therapy, talk about sex, and say bad things about other people—including racist things, or slamming your ex. I could write a book… 😉

 

A guy sees an attractive, intelligent girl at a social event. What should he do? What should he not do?

Notice if she’s making eye contact and smiling at you. If she is—especially if it’s a real smile and she holds your gaze for a moment or two—then you should be crossing that crowded room and starting a conversation. Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves, so ask about her favorite subject! Be yourself, especially if yourself is funny. If she’s mirroring your body language, turning towards you, and touching your arm, make sure you get her number—she’s saying she likes you.

For don’ts, see just above about not getting that second date. Kindness, respect, and good listening skills count, right from the start.

 

What are some major grooming or dressing mistakes you see guys making that you’d like to correct?

Weirdly enough, please take a shower. In my many years of university teaching, a top thing women said they wanted in a man was for him to be clean. I had no idea people were that dirty, but my students assured me that being unkempt is a thing—a thing they wish would end.

Also, you know how you’ve heard that women love a guy in uniform? They really do, unless it’s a fast-food uniform (I’m not making this up. Because science.). Wearing clean clothes that reflect a good job = winning combo.

 

Alright; I have the shower part down, but may need to work on my uniform! What are some of the major misconceptions guys have about women that need cleared up?

That women are only gold-digging. Guys, women sometimes think you’re only looking for T-n-A. The truth is, men and women are mostly seeking really great character in a life partner; the other concerns are there, yes, but they are secondary.

And to the extent women do care about your money, by the way, they care a lot more about your generosity and commitment to them than they do about the actual amount of resources you have. The willingness to provide for a woman is more important than the ability!

 

What are the traits of a guy women want to have a quick fling with?

Women’s standards for a one-night stand are even higher in some ways than they are for a husband! This is opposite the findings from studies on men. Basically, guys, if you want women to want you for the night, it helps if you are:

–Very rich

–Extremely good-looking

–Over six feet tall

–Well-spoken

–A rock star (either literally, or in your field)

If you’re reading this as, women really don’t want one-nighters with very many guys, you’re correct. Women inherited the mating psychology that worked for their ancestral mothers, and getting abandoned in the stone age was not a win, in terms of mothers’ and babies’ survival. So when women take the risk of pregnancy (even if you’re using birth control—mating psychology is unconscious and just tells us what to want, not why we want it), they’re usually very picky. The rock star might be worth the risk, to get outstanding genes for Le Bebe; but normal guys usually aren’t deemed quite so worthy.

In case anyone reading this is wishing he had what it takes, think again. I’ve worked with some men who fit the entire profile; they have had so much free sex, they a) have a tough time making an emotional and lasting connection with anyone (their dopamine does not have time to rise, basically); and b) don’t know if women want them for themselves, or just for what they represent.

 

What are the traits of a guy women want to have a long-term relationship with?

Everything I said about my husband is something that will serve you well, if you’re looking for a long-term partnership. Be kind, respectful, honest, funny, similar to her in your values and plans and views, and have a job you like and are good at. Be basically clean and polite. Listen deeply. Show up when she has to put her dog to sleep (Vic did that for me about six weeks in—took off work, drove two hours, and held me while I cried. Who wouldn’t love a man like that?!).

 

Yep, that’s impressive. Okay, last thoughts?

Yes. Sometimes I hear from men who, despite the fact that everything I say is based on science, are convinced that nice guys finish last. And I see why: when you’re forming your map of love, guys are often in high school—where jerks finish first. But along about a woman’s mid-20s, she is really valuing that good-hearted man. Research could not be clearer in showing that good men, kind men, men who put their wife and family first—these men stay married for life, usually, and have happy marriages. The jerks? Notsomuch.

Be the good man. Be the hero. You’ll be looked up to, by the right woman. Not just for a day—for many, many years.

 

Wow, Duana, that’s a lot of great advice. Thank you so much!

Thank you! It was great fun to be your guest, and I hope your readers enjoy.

 

Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.

LoveScience: Research-based relationship advice for everyone

http://www.lovesciencemedia.com

Please feel free to ask questions in the comments, and thanks for reading!

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About John

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemmingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

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