Christianity, humor, News, satire

Florida Church Claims Young Member’s Pregnancy is a Miracle

Breaking:

Judson Whitehead, Pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida, confirmed today that their church has been blessed with a miraculous conception.

According to Whitehead and other prominent members, Ellie Goodbath, sixteen-year-old daughter of church secretary and tambourine player Anita Goodbath, is indeed a virgin with child.

“The Lord promised that if we raise up children according to his plan, they won’t depart from it,” said Whitehead. “This young lady is the perfect example of a fine, southern girl raised in a conservative home.”

Youth Pastor Mark Nutters concurred: “Ellie is every youth leader’s dream,” he said.

When we asked the five other members of the youth group—all teenaged males—what they thought about the miracle, they grinned nervously at each other but declined to comment.

A local community leader who wished to remain anonymous isn’t buying it:

“I have a fifteen-year-old son, so I know a little about the kids in this town. The only thing miraculous about that Goodbath girl is that she doesn’t already have a slew of kids.”

We also spoke with Doctor Cruz of Sunny Bog. Said Cruz: “It’s a simple matter, really. Virgins don’t conceive.”

“Of course, he would say that,” retorted Whitehead. “These atheist doctors and scientists are hell-bent on destroying the truths of the Bible.” When we pointed out that Cruz is a member of the local Methodist church, Whitehead replied, “Methodist, atheist, same damn thing.”

Regardless of the naysayers and atheist doctors, Anita Goodbath, Ellie’s mother, remains convinced. “I just know in my heart that the Lord blessed Ellie with that baby. He revealed it to me. Besides, there’s no way little Ellie could ever get in trouble. She spends all her free time volunteering for the youth group and pastor.”

Ellie was not available for comment.

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

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