animals, Christianity, satire

Creation Scientist Says Sea Horses Don’t Exist

According to popular creation scientist Harry Hornelius, sea horses are “mythological creatures.”

Standing inside the Sea Horse Exhibit at the National Aquarium in Baltimore, MD last Thursday, Hornelius explained:

“The so-called ‘sea horse’ is a creation of the fallen mind, just like unicorns, centaurs, and dinosaurs. Nowhere in the Bible are sea horses mentioned.”

When asked why marine biologists and other scientists believe in sea horses, Hornelius replied:

“It’s misleading to say that there’s consensus on the matter. No scientist I know believes in sea horses.”

As usual in matters of theology, we consulted Judson Whitehead, Pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida.

“I’ll have to admit,” said Whitehead, “I was deeply troubled by the sea-horse controversy for years. My granddaughter and I found a sea-horse on the beach one morning, but, you know, it could have been put there by Satan to destroy our faith in the word of God. I didn’t let her touch it. But that evening, God showed me Exodus 15:1, and a great peace washed over me. I’ve never been troubled by sea horses since.”

We at the Nowhere Tribune read Exodus 15:1, and though both “sea” and “horse” are contained in the text, we did not find compelling evidence for sea horses.

Then Moses and the Israelites sang this song to the LORD: “I will sing to the LORD, for he is highly exalted. Both horse and driver he has hurled into the sea.” Exodus 15:1, NIV

We expressed our doubt to Whitehead, but he stood firm: “I believe God created sea horses at the very moment when he hurled the horses into the sea. Now, every time we see a sea-horse, we are reminded of God’s loving destruction of the Egyptians.”

Hornelius disagreed:

“I’m afraid Whitehead acquired his Biblical interpretation skills from watching his wife’s Joyce Meyer videos.”

We pointed to a pair of Longsnout sea horses in the nearby aquarium, the female sea-horse holding the male’s tail, but Hornelius turned away:

“Why should I trust an aquarium ran by secular scientists and funded by a Godless government? I have an aquarium of my own, and I’ve never seen a sea-horse in it. Without a ‘Thus Saith the Lord,’ I’ll not be convinced.”


Thanks to our affiliates at Club Schadenfreude for assisting with this story.

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


9 thoughts on “Creation Scientist Says Sea Horses Don’t Exist

  1. It’s a good thing you have such a trusted consultant as Whitehead. 😂

    Posted by ellie894 | June 19, 2018, 8:38 pm
  2. This has to be from The Onion? No one is that stupid. Well, I guess I won’t say that any more.

    Posted by jim- | June 21, 2018, 12:18 pm
  3. Well I’ve never rode a sea horse, nor seen one in any corral, so I’m going to have to side with Hornelius on this one.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | June 30, 2018, 8:58 am

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