Christianity, church, CrossFit, fitness, gym, humor, News, satire, weight training

CrossFit Coach Tells Clients to “Let Go and Let God”

A local CrossFit competitor is in the hospital after last Saturday’s games in Dallas. According to Sally Shortcake, things went south when she remembered a bit of advice from her coach.

“I was in the snatch part of the contest,” said Sally. “I had the barbell overhead. It was my PR. (Yay!) Just then, I remembered Coach Fitz telling me to ‘Let go and let God.’ The next thing I know, I woke up here.”

We caught up with Coach Fitz at his gym, the Bible Box, which is housed and funded by Mega-Hip Baptist in Southlake.

“You know, other coaches tell clients that progress is seventy percent diet, thirty percent exercise,” he said. “Here at the Bible box, we tell our clients that it’s ninety percent prayer, and ten percent fasting. ‘Let go and let God’ is a Biblical cue that produces amazing results.”

Cathie, Nowhere Tribune’s fitness correspondent, asked Coach Fitz for examples of strength or fitness gains resulting from the gym’s methods.

Leblanc-Bazinet

“Here are just a few of my clients,” he said, pointing to pictures of Christian Thibaudeau, Camille Leblanc-Bazinet, Carl Lewis, and Molly Huddle hanging on the wall outside of his office.

Cathie speculated that Coach Fitz was still in elementary school when Lewis competed in his last Olympic games and asked if he could prove that any of the athletes were his clients.

“You’re the skeptic,” Fitz replied, “so the burden of proof is on you.”

We spoke with Jenny Jolly, the pastor of Mega-hip Baptist, and asked if she approved of Fitz’s coaching methods.

“He does his thing and I do mine,” she replied. “Sometimes, we do our thing together, but usually not.”

We asked her whether the phrase “Let go and let God” was in fact Biblical.

“Who am I to say what is or isn’t in the Bible? That’s subjective,” she replied.

Meanwhile, Sally Shortcake plans to continue training under Coach Fitz once she recovers.

“I still think ‘Let go and let God’ is a valid training method,” she said. “I guess my timing was just a little off.”

 

We’d like to thank our affiliates at Sassy Fitness Chick for helping us with this story.

 

Note: This is satire and not real news. Nowhere Tribune sincerely apologizes to anyone who is confused or offended after reading this article. No CrossFit competitors were injured in the making of this story.

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About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemmingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

Discussion

14 thoughts on “CrossFit Coach Tells Clients to “Let Go and Let God”

  1. I invoke Poe’s Law with every article. Especially yours. Wasn’t sure in the snatch part, but I was hoping for you. Lol

    Posted by jim- | June 23, 2018, 7:58 am
    • Yep. No matter how outrageous I make something, there’s always someone who thinks it’s true. The only thing to trust as truth on this site are stories about Texas, cattle, and horses. And even those are only based on truth.

      Posted by John | June 23, 2018, 8:01 am
  2. Have you ever visited a crossfit center? A personal trainer there is like four hundred a week; and they’re all on diets of raw meat and gear anyways so of course people trust every autistic thing they say

    Posted by Amanda | June 24, 2018, 9:07 pm
    • I’ve never been to a real crossfit center; I work out at home so I can avoid other people. Thanks for the comment! Sounds like my story isn’t so far out there.

      Posted by John | June 25, 2018, 5:45 am
  3. Nothing insightful to add here. This is excellent!

    Posted by Erin Haske | June 26, 2018, 3:08 pm
  4. Lol I’ve never done Crossfit but from what I’ve heard of it, it’s filled with random exercises judged by self-made coaches who don’t care about form or injury.

    Posted by TheCovertAtheist | June 26, 2018, 8:17 pm
  5. Lol good one!

    Posted by Snowbird In Training | June 30, 2018, 5:49 pm
  6. This is such an amusing post, mainly ’cause it ties into some of their go big or go home attitudes so many have. On the other hand, when I did Crossfit for awhile, I had very attentive trainers who were careful to make sure over zealous, out of shape new members didn’t try and keep up with those more advanced. I did learn how to come home and mix up my workouts in different ways so that was good as well. Thanks for the shout out and letting me be the virtual reporter 😛

    Posted by Sassyfitnesschick | July 3, 2018, 7:14 am
    • Ha! Great, I’m glad you like it. My wife has a great coach, so they are out there. And thank you for being Nowhere Tribune’s official fitness correspondent! 🙂

      Posted by John | July 3, 2018, 7:59 am

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