News, religion, satire

Texas Panel Pushes for Flat-Earth Theory in Textbooks

Austin, Texas:

As the State Board of Education moves forward on the approval of text books for use beginning in 2019, several politically appointed panel members want to see “flat earth science” presented as a valid alternative to the round-earth conspiracy.

“Neither round earth nor flat earth science provide all the answers,” said panelist Beth Moore. “We want to be sure both are taught side by side so that our students can make an informed decision.”

Nowhere Tribune reporter Leo Martinez asked if flat earthism was, in fact, a valid theory.

Moore replied, “You’re obviously a product of our failing public education system, Jose. What grade were you in when you came over?”

“I was born in Vermont, and it’s Leo,” said Martinez.

Martinez mentioned to Moore that, during a flight to New Zealand last year, he could see the curvature of the earth from the flight. Also, when he arrived, he saw different stars and constellations than he saw in North America. “Why?” he asked.

“You’ve been deluded by NASA,” she replied.

Other panel members are not supportive of the change. Amanda, scientist and author at Think and Thrive, says it’s not a good idea:

“Why the hell are we even having this conversation?” she asked.

Harry Hornelius, creation scientist and flat earth proponent, would rather see the flat earth theory taught exclusively.

“When dealing with Biblical truth,” he said, “there is no room for compromise. It’s time we rescue our children from the clutches of godless theories, conspiracies, and lies, and return to the one true source of history, science, and morality—the Hornelius Study Bible.”

According to Dixie Thomas, panel member and senior at Little Elm Baptist Academy, flat earth science is the only theory that makes sense: “It’s absurd to believe the earth is shaped like a globe. I mean, it’s so stupid. People in South Africa and Argentina would literally fall off the world.”

“Maybe they should,” replied her father, a Tea Party supporter recently elected to the Texas House of Representatives.

“Many credible scientists believe in a flat earth,” said PeterPuddlestone, science teacher at the above mentioned Little Elm Baptist Academy. “In fact, there wasn’t a single scientist at last year’s Truths in Terrestrial Science (TITS) Convention who believes in a round earth.”

We again asked Amanda for her thoughts as she hurried out of the room at the end of yesterday’s meeting.

“I have to get away from these idiots,” she said.

Other proposed additions suggested by the panel include the theories that the moon landing is a hoax and that native Americans were not forced off their land, but instead stole the Mayflower and became pirates.


Note: This is satire and not real news. No person, real or otherwise, was interviewed for this article. 

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


28 thoughts on “Texas Panel Pushes for Flat-Earth Theory in Textbooks

  1. But for your disclaimer at the bottom, I would have believed this.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | July 6, 2018, 8:54 am
  2. This is likely real news somewhere… Great satire! You’re too funny

    Posted by Shayne | July 6, 2018, 9:37 am
    • Thank you! I’m just happy to know that there are people out there who share the same sense of humor.

      Posted by John | July 6, 2018, 9:47 am
  3. Teach the controversy. Lol

    Posted by KIA | July 6, 2018, 9:56 am
    • Controversy? There’s no controversy, Mr. KIA. The earth is most definitely flat, and that was settled 6,000 years before you were born! 😉

      Posted by John | July 6, 2018, 9:58 am
      • Yup. Create the controversy, then teach the controversy. Ignore reality

        Posted by KIA | July 6, 2018, 11:39 am
  4. Your posts genuinely crack me up. Amazing 😂

    Posted by Francesca | July 6, 2018, 10:52 am
  5. As with many other things, students must be allowed to follow the evidence wherever it leads…even if it leads to Flat Earth!

    Posted by Stacey McStationary | July 7, 2018, 9:26 am
  6. Perhaps congress should get involved and enforce harnesses for everyone so we don’t lose people falling off the edge…just saying. 😂

    Posted by ellie894 | July 9, 2018, 6:33 am
  7. Sadly there are some out there who believe the flat earth theory….

    Posted by Sassyfitnesschick | July 9, 2018, 10:22 am
  8. Lol this is funny, but also pretty close to reality unfortunately.

    Posted by TheCovertAtheist | July 12, 2018, 9:55 pm
  9. “God is enthroned above the sphere of the earth” (Isaiah 40:22).

    Posted by Elizabeth Whitworth | July 29, 2018, 10:08 pm
  10. Well written and interesting! You should check out my article on the physics of Black Holes:

    Also I will follow anyone who follows me, so please please please follow me!

    Posted by therealsciblog | August 2, 2018, 10:32 am
  11. And here I was thinking make-believe people had been interviewed. 😦 I do hear they’re even harder to interview than real people, though.

    Posted by Jay | August 7, 2018, 9:33 pm
  12. I’m so glad for your disclaimer at the bottom. I was horrified.

    Posted by Brenda Renwick | August 12, 2018, 6:43 pm
  13. This is so good XD A+ satire and really good fake quotes

    Posted by Amanda Crystal | August 21, 2018, 7:06 pm
  14. the TITS Convention sounds like something I would come up with, and I’m sad that I didn’t

    Posted by Amanda Crystal | August 21, 2018, 7:12 pm

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