As the State Board of Education moves forward on the approval of text books for use beginning in 2019, several politically appointed panel members want to see “flat earth science” presented as a valid alternative to the round-earth conspiracy.
“Neither round earth nor flat earth science provide all the answers,” said panelist Beth Moore. “We want to be sure both are taught side by side so that our students can make an informed decision.”
Nowhere Tribune reporter Leo Martinez asked if flat earthism was, in fact, a valid theory.
Moore replied, “You’re obviously a product of our failing public education system, Jose. What grade were you in when you came over?”
“I was born in Vermont, and it’s Leo,” said Martinez.
Martinez mentioned to Moore that, during a flight to New Zealand last year, he could see the curvature of the earth from the flight. Also, when he arrived, he saw different stars and constellations than he saw in North America. “Why?” he asked.
“You’ve been deluded by NASA,” she replied.
Other panel members are not supportive of the change. Amanda, scientist and author at Think and Thrive, says it’s not a good idea:
“Why the hell are we even having this conversation?” she asked.
Harry Hornelius, creation scientist and flat earth proponent, would rather see the flat earth theory taught exclusively.
“When dealing with Biblical truth,” he said, “there is no room for compromise. It’s time we rescue our children from the clutches of godless theories, conspiracies, and lies, and return to the one true source of history, science, and morality—the Hornelius Study Bible.”
According to Dixie Thomas, panel member and senior at Little Elm Baptist Academy, flat earth science is the only theory that makes sense: “It’s absurd to believe the earth is shaped like a globe. I mean, it’s so stupid. People in South Africa and Argentina would literally fall off the world.”
“Maybe they should,” replied her father, a Tea Party supporter recently elected to the Texas House of Representatives.
“Many credible scientists believe in a flat earth,” said PeterPuddlestone, science teacher at the above mentioned Little Elm Baptist Academy. “In fact, there wasn’t a single scientist at last year’s Truths in Terrestrial Science (TITS) Convention who believes in a round earth.”
We again asked Amanda for her thoughts as she hurried out of the room at the end of yesterday’s meeting.
“I have to get away from these idiots,” she said.
Other proposed additions suggested by the panel include the theories that the moon landing is a hoax and that native Americans were not forced off their land, but instead stole the Mayflower and became pirates.
Note: This is satire and not real news. No person, real or otherwise, was interviewed for this article.