fitness, gym, News, satire, weight lifting, weight training

Male Weight Lifter Battered by Woman at Local Gym

Abilene, Texas:

A young Abilene man spent the night in a local emergency room after receiving a thrashing from a female gym goer last Wednesday.

According to eye witnesses, Shelby Stewart, a regular Bro at the Crusty Crab Weight Shack on South 14th street, had it coming.

“The guy is obnoxious,” said an older gentleman between sets of squats. “If he walks in and anyone else is in the squat rack, he throws his gym bag across the room, usually scattering wrist straps, needles, and stretched out wonder woman panties across the floor.”

Louie, a 240-pound veteran weight lifter, was reluctant to comment but did say, “The kid never racked his weights. He needed someone to beat his ass.”

Lily Teacake, a 95-pound runner and gym member, was accused of assault by the six-foot-tall, 185-pound Stewart, but, according to authorities, will not be charged.

“I feel bad now, really bad,” said Ms. Teacake yesterday. “I mean, I’ve always been able to ignore his grunting and yelling when he’s doing curls, or the Justin Bieber music blaring out of his headphones. But when I walked into the gym yesterday, he had sweaty towels draped over every piece of equipment I needed. I threw the one on the leg extension machine on the floor, disinfected the seat, and started my set when he walked up in his ‘Swole’ tank and said, ‘Yo, girly, I’m using that.’ I lost it.”

Gym owner Tessa Jones said she heard a crash and ran into the area to see the cause.

“Just as I came around the corner, I saw Shelby getting up, only to get kicked in the side of the head again by Lily’s roundhouse. Everyone in the gym pretended not to see anything or hear Shelby’s sobs, but I saw several guys grinning. I just went back to the front desk and sat down. I had a lot of work to do.”

Roberto St. Pierre, another regular weight lifter, was one of the people present who failed to come to Mr. Stewart’s aid. We asked why.

“I might have heard something, but I don’t come to the gym to rescue pretty boys in distress. Any boy who can slam weights around like this Shelly, or whoever he is, can take care of himself. He always tries to win the attention of the ladies; he should be proud that he finally did.”

“Who?” said Sabrina Fox as she racked her 205-pound shoulder press. “Oh, the guy who struts in like a peacock with his gelled hair and spends thirty minutes taking selfies in the mirror by the dumbbell rack? I wanted to slap him. Good for Lily.”

Mr. Stewart would not speak to us, but according to his mother, he will recover. When he does, he plans to change his membership to Planet Fitness.


About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemmingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


8 thoughts on “Male Weight Lifter Battered by Woman at Local Gym

  1. Lily Teacake. I love the name. I understand that those who are small and light can also be quick, and can be pretty adept at kicking the asses of those who are big, heavy, and slow.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | July 14, 2018, 7:36 am
    • Yes, that’s apparently true. I thought Lily Teacake was a fitting name for a cute, athletic young lady. Thanks!

      Posted by John | July 14, 2018, 8:18 am
  2. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to kick a dudebro at the gym. There was a group of 3 guys at my college gym who wouldn’t go anywhere without each other. They only hung out in the weight room and seemed to be there to do a few reps and flex for Snapchat. Lily Teacake is an inspiration.

    Posted by Shayne | July 16, 2018, 9:47 am
  3. We’re working closely with 24 Hour Fitness on an official policy mandating that anyone who refuses to rack weights is viciously beaten by the nearest trainer.

    Posted by The Boss | August 27, 2018, 5:31 pm
  4. Thank you for the link.

    Posted by Nowhere Tribune | August 15, 2018, 8:30 am


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