Christianity, News, satire

Church Boycotts Starbucks after Worker fails to say ‘Bless you’

Sunny Bog, Florida:

A local church is boycotting Starbucks after a young barista failed to say ‘bless you’ to a sneezy customer.

Sources say that Anita Goodbath, tambourine player at Old Times Gospel Church, sneezed while waiting for her Venti Mocha Frappuccino and blueberry donut last Sunday afternoon, but Callie Carpenter, sixteen-year-old barista and Junior at Sunny Bog High School, failed to acknowledge the sneeze.

According to pastor Judson Whitehead, the barista’s behavior is blatant persecution.

“Christian persecution is rampant. It’s subtler here in the United States, but no less demonic or damaging than in China, the Middle East, or California. I’ll admit that Sister Goodbath shouldn’t have been in Starbucks to begin with, but I’m still outraged by the lack of respect for her, our church, and God.”

We spoke with an emotional Carpenter yesterday between summer volleyball practice and her evening shift.

“I didn’t mean to be rude or offensive at all,” she said. “Honestly, I was trying very hard to be polite when that lady sneezed on both the counter and me. I mean, I had just cleaned that counter after the youth group kids left—man, I wish Chick-Fil-A was open on Sundays! Anyway, I thought I did really well by not saying anything at all.”

According to Goodbath, she has consulted the American Center for Law and Justice (ACLJ) to consider whether the omission is grounds for a lawsuit, but they are currently undecided.

In the meantime, Pastor Whitehead and the church deacons have contacted members to make them aware of the boycott.

“Effective immediately, we will not do business with Starbucks, that bastion of secularism, either as a church, or as individual members of Old Times Gospel Church,” said the most recent post on the church’s Myspace page.

We asked Suzanne Smith, local manager at Starbucks, how she felt about the boycott.

“It’s terrific news,” she said, “for our employees and our customers.”

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

Discussion

27 thoughts on “Church Boycotts Starbucks after Worker fails to say ‘Bless you’

  1. Haha.. Myspace.. 😛

    Posted by Sassyfitnesschick | August 7, 2018, 6:51 pm
  2. Saying Bless you or God Bless you after a sneeze was always confusing to me. I know that the origins of it are quite superstitious but why we do it still today boggles my mind. Is God really going to bless you more when you sneeze? If you don’t say it, is the person going to get sick? Or die? It’s just weird to me. I don’t say it at all. If people think I’m rude, so be it.

    Posted by Ben | August 7, 2018, 7:04 pm
  3. Hmmm. Wonder if Jesus would approve of a law suit in this matter?

    Posted by Phyllis Rogers | August 7, 2018, 9:06 pm
  4. I had a fundamentalist friend who made his kids say “I love you” instead of “bless you” whenever someone sneezed because “bless you” was supposedly related to some pagan belief about demons or your soul escaping from your body…

    Posted by Henry Rambow | August 7, 2018, 9:15 pm
  5. Have you seen The Oatmeal’s analysis of a fart versus a sneeze? Don’t know if pasting a link will work here, but here goes: https://m.imgur.com/gallery/9dUwg

    Posted by Henry Rambow | August 7, 2018, 9:17 pm
  6. Those God Bless Yous can get pretty annoying. But I’m just speaking from my perspective, as a Californian. Out here we’ve banned all religion, and anyone who says Merry Christmas is immediately written a citation. Or so I’ve heard.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | August 8, 2018, 7:31 am
  7. I just dropped $20 at Starbucks because my teens had to have lemon bread. I boycott their $3 slice of bread. I think it’s a war on stupid people who aren’t good with their money.

    Posted by Michelle | August 8, 2018, 4:12 pm
  8. I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened one of these days 🙂 .

    Posted by Maria | August 24, 2018, 4:13 am
    • Yep–this is one of those that is a little too real. Thank you for reading and leaving a comment. I appreciate it.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | August 25, 2018, 6:11 am
      • Thank you as well. I don’t normally get much time to explore WP but it’s much better than wasting it on frivolous social media. It’s great to find content creators who actually think, as opposed to most stuff out there.

        Posted by Maria | August 25, 2018, 8:09 am
      • I agree–at least we’re making an attempt to think and have real conversations here, as opposed to most of what is on FB and places like that.

        Posted by Nowhere Tribune | August 25, 2018, 8:18 am

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