Christianity, satire, Texas

Creation Scientist Says Alamo is, ‘At Most, Thirty Years Old’

San Antonio, Texas:

Shaded under the sprawling branches of the 106-year-old Live Oak known as the “Heritage Tree” behind the North Barracks of the Alamo, renowned creation scientist Harry Hornelius said yesterday that the mission made famous by the Texas Revolution is “at most, thirty years old.”

Nowhere Tribune’s Leo Hernandez, a thirty-year-old native of San Antonio and graduate of UTSA with degrees in both journalism and Texas History, was on site for the annual conference of the Fundamentalist Baptist Pastors Anti-Culture Brigade, where Hornelius was conducting a book signing and question and answer session.

“The claim of secular historians that the Alamo was built in 1718 is ludicrous,” said a five foot four, slightly hunched Hornelius, extending a bony finger in the direction of the Long Barracks, which was the site of some of the most intense fighting during the battle in 1836. “That would make it three-hundred years old,” he said, laughing incredulously while his grey moustache and yellowed left eye twitched un-harmoniously.

A visibly annoyed Hernandez mentioned to Hornelius that the Limestone structure has obvious signs of age and has gone through several repairs over the years. Also, “These long barracks, and the chapel itself, are classic examples of eighteenth-century Spanish architecture,” he said.

Hornelius replied, “The Alamo’s construction team built it to look old to fool historians. The appearance of age, along with the cleverly devised myth, has filled the coffers of this Godless city these past thirty years. Of course, they’re not here to tell the secret; the mayor and city council had them drowned in the bottom of the San Antonio River.”

Creation Scientist Says Sea Horses Don’t Exist 

Hernandez, looking as if he didn’t know whether to laugh or curse, asked Hornelius for evidence supporting his claim that the Alamo was built in the 1980’s.

“Look at those LED lights,” said Hornelius, pointing to a pole on the lawn near the main building. “Do you expect us to believe those were here three-hundred years ago?”

“No, of course not…” started Hernandez.

“No, no, of course you don’t,” laughed Hornelius, drawing laughs and applause from the audience. “And I suppose you expect us to believe that this gift shop, complete with the San Antonio-opoly game and the plush prancer ponies are three-hundred years old, too?”

“Obviously not, Mr. Hornelius, but…”

“Obviously not,” said Hornelius conclusively. “Sir, you asked for evidence, and I have given you irrefutable evidence. Why are you members of the main stream media so blinded by history and science?”

“Sir,” said Hernandez, “science and history help us understand the world. Also, the Nowhere Tribune has three readers; that’s hardly ‘mainstream.’”

“Science and history have blinded you from the truth,” said Hornelius. “The plain truth. All you need to do is open your eyes, and the evidence is right in front of you. This is a myth, as dangerous a myth as dinosaurs and sea-horses. Davy Crockett, hmph. Do you expect me to worship a cartoon character? And Spanish mission—ha! Everyone knows that the first settlers were English-speaking Baptists who came in a wagon from Illinois.” 

Note: This article is satire; however, plush prancer ponies can be purchased from the Alamo gift shop or online for $19.99.

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


15 thoughts on “Creation Scientist Says Alamo is, ‘At Most, Thirty Years Old’

  1. 😂

    Posted by Brenda Renwick | August 15, 2018, 7:41 pm
  2. This was enjoyable.
    Also, part 4 is up for you. 😉

    Posted by hellolauren528 | August 15, 2018, 8:46 pm
  3. Hornelius is a humbug. Obviously the Alamo is at least 58 years old, because that’s when John Wayne fought so valiantly there.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | August 16, 2018, 8:19 am
  4. Never use logic and reason to argue with unreasonable people ~> instead, one must shoe-horn Hornelius (and others of his ilk) off the premises using straightforward commands:

    “Git! Go on! Skedaddle!”

    BTW: Thanks for pointing out the satirical nature of your post in your post script. I thought that Hornelius was “for real” because he resembles other dissemblers I’ve met.

    P.S. You’ve got FOUR readers, not THREE . . . because I is also “for real.”

    Posted by nrhatch | August 16, 2018, 8:57 am
    • Ha! Thank you. I will let Leo know that we now have four readers. It will make his dealing with people like Hornelius more worth it. Thank you for the thoughts. Also, I love the straightforward commands: “Git!” 🙂

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | August 16, 2018, 4:44 pm
  5. I mite just count as a reeder even tho I haff trubble wiv the big werds.

    Posted by Arkenaten | August 16, 2018, 5:00 pm
  6. Love it.

    Posted by Henry Rambow | August 16, 2018, 5:41 pm
  7. “The Nowhere Tribune has three readers”

    Four now

    Posted by Amanda Crystal | August 21, 2018, 7:19 pm

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