San Antonio, Texas:
Shaded under the sprawling branches of the 106-year-old Live Oak known as the “Heritage Tree” behind the North Barracks of the Alamo, renowned creation scientist Harry Hornelius said yesterday that the mission made famous by the Texas Revolution is “at most, thirty years old.”
Nowhere Tribune’s Leo Hernandez, a thirty-year-old native of San Antonio and graduate of UTSA with degrees in both journalism and Texas History, was on site for the annual conference of the Fundamentalist Baptist Pastors Anti-Culture Brigade, where Hornelius was conducting a book signing and question and answer session.
“The claim of secular historians that the Alamo was built in 1718 is ludicrous,” said a five foot four, slightly hunched Hornelius, extending a bony finger in the direction of the Long Barracks, which was the site of some of the most intense fighting during the battle in 1836. “That would make it three-hundred years old,” he said, laughing incredulously while his grey moustache and yellowed left eye twitched un-harmoniously.
A visibly annoyed Hernandez mentioned to Hornelius that the Limestone structure has obvious signs of age and has gone through several repairs over the years. Also, “These long barracks, and the chapel itself, are classic examples of eighteenth-century Spanish architecture,” he said.
Hornelius replied, “The Alamo’s construction team built it to look old to fool historians. The appearance of age, along with the cleverly devised myth, has filled the coffers of this Godless city these past thirty years. Of course, they’re not here to tell the secret; the mayor and city council had them drowned in the bottom of the San Antonio River.”
Hernandez, looking as if he didn’t know whether to laugh or curse, asked Hornelius for evidence supporting his claim that the Alamo was built in the 1980’s.
“Look at those LED lights,” said Hornelius, pointing to a pole on the lawn near the main building. “Do you expect us to believe those were here three-hundred years ago?”
“No, of course not…” started Hernandez.
“No, no, of course you don’t,” laughed Hornelius, drawing laughs and applause from the audience. “And I suppose you expect us to believe that this gift shop, complete with the San Antonio-opoly game and the plush prancer ponies are three-hundred years old, too?”
“Obviously not, Mr. Hornelius, but…”
“Obviously not,” said Hornelius conclusively. “Sir, you asked for evidence, and I have given you irrefutable evidence. Why are you members of the main stream media so blinded by history and science?”
“Sir,” said Hernandez, “science and history help us understand the world. Also, the Nowhere Tribune has three readers; that’s hardly ‘mainstream.’”
“Science and history have blinded you from the truth,” said Hornelius. “The plain truth. All you need to do is open your eyes, and the evidence is right in front of you. This is a myth, as dangerous a myth as dinosaurs and sea-horses. Davy Crockett, hmph. Do you expect me to worship a cartoon character? And Spanish mission—ha! Everyone knows that the first settlers were English-speaking Baptists who came in a wagon from Illinois.”
Note: This article is satire; however, plush prancer ponies can be purchased from the Alamo gift shop or online for $19.99.