animals, humor, satire

Yellow Labrador Disowned by Family and Church for Dating Chocolate Lab

JASPER, TX—Bowser McCain, Head Deacon at the First Canine hard-shell Baptist Church in Jasper, announced to the church Sunday that he is disowning his daughter.

“It breaks my heart to have to tell you this, brethren and sistren,” said a weeping McCain, “but Daisy, our once beloved pup, has run off with a Chocolate Lab from Beaumont. She, who knows that Yellow Labs are God’s elect, has made this decision. We can never call her our daughter again.”

The announcement was met with much whimpering, broken only by old Sister Goldie, never to be outdone when it comes to public displays of emotion, as she let out a long, mournful howl and raised her paws.

After the service concluded, we caught up with Elder Sonny Pyles, pastor of First Canine Church, to get his opinion on McCain’s announcement.

“Brother Bowser has made the only possible decision considering the circumstances,” he said. “Leviticus 19:19, a favorite verse of ours around these parts, is clear: ‘Thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed.’ Just yesterday, as I turned the corner in town, I saw that lab sowing poor Daisy’s field, and if his seed ain’t mingled, I don’t know whose is.”

Our reporters made a quick trip to Beaumont to see if we could speak with Daisy or her chocolate friend, Abe. Though we couldn’t find them, we did speak with several locals who knew Abe well.

“I can’t understand those folks over at that church,” said Pete Walker, owner of Walker Brothers General Store. “Ole Abe is as good a dog as you’ll ever see—always smiling and wagging his tail. Never once bit or even growled at any of these kids around here. Can’t say that about many of them Yellow Labs from that side of Jasper; just because they’re up on their shots and eat Purina doesn’t make them better than the other dogs. Truth is, they’re riding those strays under the train tracks more than any mutt from this town.”

Abe’s owner, John Johnson, said, “Abe’s a good boy, a good, good boy. Yes he is.”

According to the American Kennel Club (AKC), the offspring of Yellow and Chocolate Labradors are still considered pure-bred Labradors. But the church remains steadfast:

“Other dogs may pant after worldly treasures such as the AKC has to offer, but we don’t bow wow to secular organizations. Our pedigree comes from the great master himself,” said Pyles.

Old Sister Goldie howled in agreement before the two of them trotted off under the church together.

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


24 thoughts on “Yellow Labrador Disowned by Family and Church for Dating Chocolate Lab

  1. That’s fantastic.

    Posted by hellolauren528 | August 23, 2018, 9:12 pm
  2. Gasp! The horror of such a thing! 😂

    Posted by ellie894 | August 23, 2018, 9:19 pm
  3. Practically my own backyard…going to have to keep a close eye on my motley crew, bad influences and such.

    Posted by ellie894 | August 23, 2018, 9:24 pm
  4. I’ve hear if this keeps up, by the year 2042 the chocolate labs will outnumber the yellow labs. What the yellow lab owners need to do is build stronger, taller fences, and make the chocolate lab owners pay for them.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | August 24, 2018, 9:11 am
  5. I think Tippy’s got the right idea . . . separate, but equal. 😀

    Fun post. You’ve got a “unique” mind. 😀

    Posted by nrhatch | August 24, 2018, 9:36 am
  6. I never know how to describe your blog to my friends. “He writes about racist dogs” doesn’t quite capture the hilarity. This is brilliant!

    Posted by Shayne | August 24, 2018, 9:44 am
  7. Bow wow lololol. This reminds me of that website that does Christian satire… I think it’s called the Babylon bee. Yours is more funny 🤣

    I have a black lab and I’d disown my own family to keep her. She’s an awesome dog.

    Posted by Michelle | August 24, 2018, 4:19 pm
  8. HI! Thanks for stopping by my blog and liking and commenting on my post on how sleepless nights add pounds. As a dog person I am enjoying my visit to yours.

    Posted by Tony | August 25, 2018, 9:31 am
    • Thank you Tony. I read yours each day, but don’t comment very often. Keep up the good work. While you’re here, take a look at the post from last week, “Dog Reflects on Hard Times and Bad Decisions…” You might enjoy it.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | August 25, 2018, 9:33 am
  9. Yeeeeeees! I ALWAYS love what you write!

    Posted by Diandra Francesca | August 25, 2018, 11:13 am
  10. “We don’t bow-wow to secular organizations” I’m dead

    Posted by Amanda Crystal | August 29, 2018, 4:21 pm
  11. Wow…very nice blog… Labradors
    can be a companion dog as well as a hunting dog, show dog, guide dog, service dog, therapy dog, sniffer dogs, and rescue dog. No doubt these makes lab the most popular dog breed or I must say the best breed ever.

    Posted by preetyvarma | October 9, 2018, 7:09 am

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