JASPER, TX—Bowser McCain, Head Deacon at the First Canine hard-shell Baptist Church in Jasper, announced to the church Sunday that he is disowning his daughter.
“It breaks my heart to have to tell you this, brethren and sistren,” said a weeping McCain, “but Daisy, our once beloved pup, has run off with a Chocolate Lab from Beaumont. She, who knows that Yellow Labs are God’s elect, has made this decision. We can never call her our daughter again.”
The announcement was met with much whimpering, broken only by old Sister Goldie, never to be outdone when it comes to public displays of emotion, as she let out a long, mournful howl and raised her paws.
After the service concluded, we caught up with Elder Sonny Pyles, pastor of First Canine Church, to get his opinion on McCain’s announcement.
“Brother Bowser has made the only possible decision considering the circumstances,” he said. “Leviticus 19:19, a favorite verse of ours around these parts, is clear: ‘Thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed.’ Just yesterday, as I turned the corner in town, I saw that lab sowing poor Daisy’s field, and if his seed ain’t mingled, I don’t know whose is.”
Our reporters made a quick trip to Beaumont to see if we could speak with Daisy or her chocolate friend, Abe. Though we couldn’t find them, we did speak with several locals who knew Abe well.
“I can’t understand those folks over at that church,” said Pete Walker, owner of Walker Brothers General Store. “Ole Abe is as good a dog as you’ll ever see—always smiling and wagging his tail. Never once bit or even growled at any of these kids around here. Can’t say that about many of them Yellow Labs from that side of Jasper; just because they’re up on their shots and eat Purina doesn’t make them better than the other dogs. Truth is, they’re riding those strays under the train tracks more than any mutt from this town.”
Abe’s owner, John Johnson, said, “Abe’s a good boy, a good, good boy. Yes he is.”
According to the American Kennel Club (AKC), the offspring of Yellow and Chocolate Labradors are still considered pure-bred Labradors. But the church remains steadfast:
“Other dogs may pant after worldly treasures such as the AKC has to offer, but we don’t bow wow to secular organizations. Our pedigree comes from the great master himself,” said Pyles.
Old Sister Goldie howled in agreement before the two of them trotted off under the church together.