animals, humor, News, satire, science

New Study Finds that Male Rabbits Rank Happiest Among Mammals

Special thanks go to Shayne for helping with this story. She contributed the good parts, and we contributed the rest.

STEPHENVILLE, TX—Researchers from the Tarleton State University Department of Wildlife Science have concluded that, of all mammals, male rabbits are the most happy, relaxed, and confident.

“We’ve conducted a five-year study of North Texas mammals,” said Randy Rivers, Wildlife Science Department head. “Our findings regarding the Leporidae family are most fascinating.”

According to Rivers, cottontails in the wild mate continuously from February through September. This, he says, is good news for the bucks.

“Just imagine,” he said. “Eight months of continuous breeding with multiple does. The more virile males may breed up to five times a day, which could amount to 1,200 times during a normal breeding season. No wonder these furry fellows are content, albeit tired.”

Bloodwork from 383 male rabbits showed that the stress hormone cortisol, though comparable to other animals outside of breeding season, is virtually non-existent from February through September, and often even through the winter. Levels begin to slowly climb as breeding season approaches. Findings for females, however, are not the same.

“The younger does seem to enjoy breeding season for a day or two, but once they are bred, their enjoyment level drops,” said Susie Cooper, Wildlife Scientist. “A cottontail doe can have litters of 6-10, and with a gestation period of only 30 days, they often have 6-7 litters per year. That’s about 70 bratty bunnies hopping around your rabbit hole. So, um, how would you like to be a female cottontail?”

We caught up with Bucky O’Hare, a participant in the recent study, to hear his thoughts.

“There are like 5,000 cute does in these woods, and I’ve, uh, worked with half of them during this study. I could use a nap now and then, but stress? Nah. Life is good.”

Velvet Fincher, another participant in the study, disagreed:

“Am I happy? I’ve got 38 bouncing bastards pulling at my ears with seven more thumping from the inside. I haven’t had a chance to lick my fur in three months, yet these jerks are still chasing my tail. And do you think I’m getting any help from the dads? Hell no. They’re too busy chasing my friends and sisters.”

We talked to Max, the university farm sheep dog, to get his thoughts on the study.

“Look, Bub. I’m the wrong dog to talk to on this. Do I get to enjoy breeding season? Oh, no. As soon as I noticed that pretty border collie in the next barn it was snip, snip for old Max. I wasn’t even four months old. So, don’t talk to me about those damn rabbits. Or the sheep.”

Ernie, an older male praying mantis perched on the stall just above Max, chimed in:

“I’m not a mammal so forgive me, but I would concur that rabbits are the happiest of all creatures. Each year, I’ve had to choose: life, or sex. Elyse promised me it would be different with us, but she promised the same to Homer, and Sid, and Al. Still, I can no longer resist her charm. Oh, the injustice! I can only hope that I’ll come back as a rabbit.”

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


14 thoughts on “New Study Finds that Male Rabbits Rank Happiest Among Mammals

  1. I’d always thought horny toads were the happiest among reptiles, but I never knew this about rabbits. Thanks for the wild life lesson.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | August 29, 2018, 10:08 pm
  2. Another home run post! Loved it.
    The praying mantis was a nice touch at the end . . .

    Posted by nrhatch | August 29, 2018, 10:19 pm
  3. Thank you, to Shayne and you for such exhaustive and well rounded reporting!

    Posted by ellie894 | August 30, 2018, 8:10 am
  4. Have to hand it to the state university there in Stephenville. A nice town and a good school.

    Posted by larryzb | August 30, 2018, 2:16 pm
  5. I love what you’ve done with it! I wasn’t sure how involved you wanted me to be, but thanks for letting me help out! It’s not every day I get to do extensive research on praying mantis mating rituals. I will be sure to reblog as soon as I come up with something clever to say about the Nowhere Tribune.

    Posted by Shayne | August 30, 2018, 4:50 pm
  6. Reblogged this on Musings by Shayne and commented:
    John from the Nowhere Tribune asked to collaborate on one of his recent articles about rabbits and other Northern Texas wildlife. Being interested in animals, I viewed this as less of a project and more of an entertaining way to spend my afternoon. Somewhere in here John says I contributed the good parts, but the genius is all his.

    Nowadays, the news is unreliable. That article your Aunt Doreen posted to Facebook is riddled with inaccuracies. So why not get your news from a reputable source and check out my favorite news outlet? I guarantee you’ll find something you can talk about at your next family social gathering when your Aunt Doreen brings up the latest detoxing scam for the umpteenth time.

    Posted by Shayne | September 8, 2018, 12:56 pm

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