satire, sports

Football Fan Credited for Last Night’s Win Against Rival School

QUITAQUE, TX—According to everyone in attendance at last night’s game between the home town Quitaque Boll Weevils and the visiting Estelline Prairie Dogs, the Weevil’s victory came down to the leadership of one dedicated fan.

Ralph Martin (53) of Quitaque said that he was happy to have helped.

“Those stupid coaches don’t know what the hell they’re doing,” said Martin this morning from his downtown barber shop. “Someone needed to step up.”

Martin played for the Weevils all four years in high school and has never missed a game, or even practice, since.

“When I was in school, we played ball the right way,” he said. “I don’t see why they even hire these college boys to try to coach. We dads would do just fine.”

Superintendent Jason Westbrook agreed.

“On behalf of the school, athletic director, and entire coaching staff, I’d just like to extend my thanks to Mr. Martin. Time and again, the head coach called the wrong play, but then we’d hear Mr. Martin’s voice from the stands, naming the right play. It was like the voice of God.”

“I agree,” said Chris White, Athletic Director. “I learned more about football from Mr. Martin last night than in my entire twenty-five-year coaching career.”

According to coaches on both sides, Mr. Martin also kept the officials from making multiple bad calls:

“I don’t know where the hell they found them so-called refs last night,” said Pete Tidwell, Dogs defensive coordinator, “but that Martin feller sure kept them straight.”

“It’s true,” said a humbled referee who wished to remain unnamed. “We really would have handed the game over to the wrong team had Mr. Martin not been there to help. When we heard him yell something, we’d immediately call a conference to consider his suggestion. By the third quarter, we went ahead and had him connected by radio so he could tell us what calls to make.”

Our sources tell us that as of this morning, Mr. Martin has received job offers from within all of the surrounding school districts to tempt him to move and become a fan of their local football team.

“Fans like Martin are invaluable to any sports program,” said a business owner from a nearby town. “If we can pay our Athletic Director eighty grand a year, we ought to pay Martin ninety.”

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


10 thoughts on “Football Fan Credited for Last Night’s Win Against Rival School

  1. Satire is an incredibly powerful tool in the right hands. Hugs

    Posted by Scottie | September 21, 2018, 5:03 pm
  2. 😂 Martin should consider offering his services to the NFL. There’s no coaching staff that he can’t help.

    Perfectly written!

    Posted by ellie894 | September 21, 2018, 5:13 pm
  3. Now that Martin is getting all this recognition, he’s gonna get competition. He’d better learn to shout louder.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | September 21, 2018, 5:48 pm
  4. Haha. Happy he doesn’t watch little league and peewee. Be some fightin goin down.

    Posted by jim- | September 21, 2018, 6:37 pm
  5. Can I hire him to referee my children?

    Posted by Michelle | September 21, 2018, 6:45 pm
  6. Hahaha!
    Soccer moms and Football dads!

    Posted by nrhatch | September 21, 2018, 7:40 pm

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