humor, politics, satire, Texas

Judge Proposes Border Wall Between Tarrant and Johnson Counties

FORT WORTH, TX—Tarrant County Judge Ben White proposed a border wall be constructed separating Tarrant County from Johnson County Monday afternoon during the meeting of the Commissioners Court.

“We’ve worked hard to make Tarrant County a great place to live. And we’ve built a strong economy that encourages new business. But every day, thousands of Johnson County residents, people from shit-hole towns like Joshua, Cleburne, and Rio Vista, come up I-35, congest our freeways, take our jobs, and impregnate our daughters,” said Judge White.

Fort Worth resident Sam Birdwell asked Judge White how he proposed to pay for the wall.

“We could easily pass a bond election,” answered White. “Fort Worth residents are fed up with thugs from Johnson County bringing crime and drugs into the county. Or, we could just force Johnson County to pay for it.”

Johnson County residents, meanwhile, are understandably concerned.

“I grew up in Fort Worth, and my elderly parents still live there,” said Jenny Bass of Burleson. “I have to commute every day to take care of mom, who is a cancer patient, and dad, who is in a nursing home. If I couldn’t get there, I don’t know who would take care of them.”

Alan Smith of Joshua also expressed his concerns: “I’ve lived in Joshua and worked in Fort Worth for thirty-five years now. I’m within five years of retirement, so I really need to be able to get to work.”

The commissioners dismissed these concerns.

“There are good—some of the best—people in Fort Worth, who I’m sure could take much better care of Ms. Bass’s parents than she does,” said Don Ford. “And Smith has been filling a position that rightly belongs to a Tarrant County resident. If he wasn’t so lazy, I’m sure he would have found work in Joshua by now.”

Commissioner Norma Martinez was the lone commissioner to say the proposal was a bad idea.

“People from Johnson County come here to work, to shop, and to play. Not only are they some of our companies’ most valuable employees, but they also bring tax dollars into our towns.”

“Ms. Martinez,” interrupted Commissioner Lindsey Spam, “The only thing Johnson County residents bring to our county is drunkenness, head lice, and food stamps.”

Martha Freestone, a citizen of Everman, spoke up in support of the wall.

“In 1986, my brother Harry died in a car accident. A drunken woman from Cleburne hit him head on. Had we had this wall, my brother would still be here.”

“That’s all the testimony we need,” said Judge White. “We’ll submit the demand for funds to Johnson County next week.”

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Discussion

7 thoughts on “Judge Proposes Border Wall Between Tarrant and Johnson Counties

  1. I know a few Pennsylvanian cities that would support Tarrant County in this matter. A few years ago, Harrisburg’s (then) mayor publicly called residents of Perry County “scumbags” for illegally dumping their trash in Harrisburg. It wouldn’t have been a stretch for her to recommend a wall.

    Posted by Shayne | October 4, 2018, 1:27 pm
  2. Personally, I think a shark-infested moat around each town works well, maybe even around each individual residence. I think I’ll petition my Town Assessor for a variance to allow me to have one. I could dig it just outside the perimeter fence that’s already in place.

    Posted by cordeliasmom2012 | October 4, 2018, 3:05 pm
  3. Well, good to see you have plenty of choice 🙂

    Posted by john zande | October 4, 2018, 3:45 pm
  4. I thought their indoctrinations would keep the girls from getting knocked. No? Issue chastity belts. The Great Wall at the Y

    Posted by jim- | October 4, 2018, 6:20 pm
  5. I think they’d get more support for the wall if they said they’d get Johnson county residents to pay for it. They don’t have to actually get them to pay for it. Just say they’re going to.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | October 6, 2018, 8:59 am

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