News, satire, writing

Nowhere Tribune Staff Writer Fired

Nowhere Tribune management announced today that they have fired their main (and only) staff writer. The reasons for the termination were lack of content, lack of substance in content, and shitty writing in general.

“Let’s face it,” said an anonymous spokesperson for the site, “everything published here has been an embarrassment. Even if the guy could write, which he can’t, who the hell cares about any of the stupid shit he came up with to try to write about?”

For now, management has not named a replacement, nor even hinted that there will be one.

“Fall is here; the weather is nicer across most of the country. People need to be outside—hiking, running, chopping fire wood. For those fortunate enough to not be married, chasing tail. We don’t want to get in the way of that by adding more crappy reading content to their already hectic lives, so we don’t intend to find a new writer right now.”

Quality of writing is not the only problem Nowhere Tribune is facing.

“We also have an image problem. Honestly—no one wants to go to a page created by a middle-aged dude when there are thousands of sites ran by super sexy intelligent women who post photos of themselves in their workout clothes or, even better, reading books while wearing those sexy ‘naughty teacher’ glasses.”

(Our site, regrettably, also suffers from a lack of political correctness.)

The remaining staff will be on unpaid vacation for now. They have plans to work on their real lives, with an emphasis on real relationships and health and fitness goals.

“Perhaps,” said another unnamed imaginary person, “after living a bit, we will come back with better content.”

God, let’s hope so.

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About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemmingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

Discussion

15 thoughts on “Nowhere Tribune Staff Writer Fired

  1. Well, I’ve always enjoyed this site. But what do I know? After all, management of my formerly two site – now only one site – not only fired the main (and only) writer from the alternate site, they (um, she) actually offed that site altogether. Although rumor has it, the fired writer isn’t really dead and is just sitting around waiting for the right time to get revenge. Meanwhile, the main (and only) writer of the main site (who was/is, in fact, also the main and only writer of the alternate site which was offed) is struggling to keep that site entertaining enough so it doesn’t also ultimately get closed down. Are you confused yet? I know I am.

    Posted by cordeliasmom2012 | October 27, 2018, 12:46 pm
    • He he. I’ve deleted two or three blogs, and one had been around a while. But then I saw them back up with all my content and a bunch of junk adds. I’ll never delete one again.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | October 27, 2018, 12:58 pm
      • Re-appearing deleted blogs? Now that’s a little scary. Guess I’d better watch my back (or the dark side of my brain, as the case may be). Fortunately, I never actually deleted the alternate site, I just “killed” off its star.

        Posted by cordeliasmom2012 | October 27, 2018, 1:03 pm
  2. Enjoy your vacation and time off. I look forward to your posts when you want to post again. Hugs

    Posted by Scottie | October 27, 2018, 12:49 pm
  3. Ouch. It feels like I’m reading an obituary. Should you choose to pick up the blog again, I’ll be waiting! Until then, I hope you have fun chopping wood, drinking beer, and doing other “middle-aged dude” things!

    Posted by Shayne | October 27, 2018, 1:11 pm
  4. Well shit. You look after yourself out there NT, and will be here waiting to read your thoughts when you return.

    Posted by Paul Duncan | October 27, 2018, 2:04 pm
  5. I want to delete my blog too. It’s horse shit. At least you make people laugh and entertain them.

    Posted by Michelle | October 27, 2018, 3:51 pm
  6. Does this mean your editor is fired too? Damn. Gonna miss the laughs, but I hope you have a good time doing whatever the hell you plan to do next.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | October 27, 2018, 4:02 pm
  7. I thought you disappeared in a church somewhere, or nowhere. Good to see you back Mr Sarcasmodo

    Posted by jim- | October 27, 2018, 4:11 pm
  8. Enjoy your time off. I hope you come back to writing again at some point, I enjoy your humorous posts.

    Posted by TheCovertAtheist | October 27, 2018, 5:40 pm
  9. Well, as somone who recently considered firing her one and only writer, I can certainly identify with this! That said, I wonder if your writer couldn’t complain of unfair dismissal, as I’ve always enjoyed his output. That said, there is much to be said for spending time outdoors and just generally getting on with life, so I hope that when he returns to his post he’ll feel refreshed and newly inspired…

    Posted by Mari Biella | October 28, 2018, 4:18 am
  10. We here at WordPress do not accept the firing of said editor and staff writer being that we find no grounds for dismissal as he is both thought provoking and humorous. However, we do acknowledge the need for vacation…may he enjoy these brilliant autumn days of cool rain and fresh air. Until inspiration strikes once more…do take care. 🙂

    P. S. – political correctness takes itself far too seriously and is very little fun, just saying…

    Posted by ellie894 | October 28, 2018, 10:23 am
  11. I too have fired myself more than a few times. Things will turn around

    Posted by The Philosophunculist | October 31, 2018, 9:32 am

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