Nowhere Tribune management announced today that they have fired their main (and only) staff writer. The reasons for the termination were lack of content, lack of substance in content, and shitty writing in general.
“Let’s face it,” said an anonymous spokesperson for the site, “everything published here has been an embarrassment. Even if the guy could write, which he can’t, who the hell cares about any of the stupid shit he came up with to try to write about?”
For now, management has not named a replacement, nor even hinted that there will be one.
“Fall is here; the weather is nicer across most of the country. People need to be outside—hiking, running, chopping fire wood. For those fortunate enough to not be married, chasing tail. We don’t want to get in the way of that by adding more crappy reading content to their already hectic lives, so we don’t intend to find a new writer right now.”
Quality of writing is not the only problem Nowhere Tribune is facing.
“We also have an image problem. Honestly—no one wants to go to a page created by a middle-aged dude when there are thousands of sites ran by super sexy intelligent women who post photos of themselves in their workout clothes or, even better, reading books while wearing those sexy ‘naughty teacher’ glasses.”
(Our site, regrettably, also suffers from a lack of political correctness.)
The remaining staff will be on unpaid vacation for now. They have plans to work on their real lives, with an emphasis on real relationships and health and fitness goals.
“Perhaps,” said another unnamed imaginary person, “after living a bit, we will come back with better content.”
God, let’s hope so.