satire, weight lifting, weight training

Twenty-Three-Year-Old Trainer Saves Dave Draper from Bad Knees and Shoulders, Possible Death

Draper reflecting on his errors.

Where once I was bound to childish wanderings and inconsequential deeds, I am now on the path of the timeless masters, the dust of their footsteps before me yet unsettled—Dave Draper, Iron In my Hands.


Paxton Sherrill, recent graduate and personal trainer at Planet Fitness, met with former Mr. Universe Dave Draper (76) to warn him of the dangers of squats and bench press yesterday at his gym in Southern California.

“I just really want to educate people on the dangers of outdated training methods, you know?” said a 145 pound Sherrill yesterday near his favorite hip-abductor machine. “Barbell squats will literally ruin your knees, and there’s no exercise as bad for shoulders as the barbell bench press. Studies show that these exercises are insufficient for developing muscles anyway, so cutting them out is a win-win.”

Draper, who started lifting weights in 1952 at age ten and who formerly trained with Frank Zane, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Franco Columbu, was visibly shaken:

“Wow. To think that I’ve been wrecking myself for sixty-six years concerns me. I’m just lucky I met Paxton when I did,” said Draper while holding a smiling Sherrill in the palm of his hand.

Sherill says that Draper’s damage is most likely still reversible.

“If we start immediate rehab with some light leg extensions and yoga, Mr. Draper may be okay,” he said. “I’ll also introduce some circuits using the pink plastic dumbbells for Dave’s shoulders. He’ll be as fit as any cardio queen by summer.”

Besides changing his training methods, Draper plans to immediately begin revisions to his book, Brother Iron, Sister Steel, which is considered a classic by most weight lifting enthusiasts.

“I’ve led people astray for long enough,” said a remorseful Draper. “But there’s still time. At least, I hope so.”

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


12 thoughts on “Twenty-Three-Year-Old Trainer Saves Dave Draper from Bad Knees and Shoulders, Possible Death

  1. ‘Superb’! ‘Authentically funny’, critics are calling nowhere tribune “the little paper that could”. Looks like you got through the writer fire/rehire. Nice work.

    Posted by jim- | November 1, 2018, 6:59 am
  2. I’m not very familiar with the weight-lifting world, but I know I’d be extremely careful giving unsolicited advice to a guy who looks like that.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | November 1, 2018, 8:30 am
  3. You know, I can totally imagine a personal trainer from Planet Fitness saying that. I’ve heard lots of crazy things from that gym, like apparently they had a bagel and pizza Tuesdays? lol. Nice way to get your customers coming back.

    Posted by TheCovertAtheist | November 1, 2018, 6:15 pm
  4. America’s fitness crisis can only be solved through Pilates and spin classes.

    Posted by The Boss | November 2, 2018, 7:07 pm
  5. Thanks for stopping by my blog and liking my post and exercise and pain. I am enjoying my visit to yours. This was a fun post. Zane looked incredible in the pic. Was it recent? I ask as a guy turning 79 in January who doesn’t look anything like that.

    Posted by Tony | November 12, 2018, 3:40 pm

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