Christmas, satire

Church Offended that No One is Offended by Christmas

SUNNYBOG, FL—Judson Whitehead, Pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, said yesterday that he and other church leaders were “Offended to learn that no one is really offended by Christmas.”

“We were all geared up to fight against the war on Christmas,” said a disappointed Whitehead from his office. “It was quite a let-down to see that they kept ‘Christ’ in the ‘Merry Christmas’ banner down at the city library. It’s just a slap in the face, you know?”

According to Elmer Smithwick, Editor at the Sunny Bog Hark-Herald, the church already submitted a column lamenting the outcry over the nativity scene they placed on the courthouse lawn. Only there was no outcry.

“That crazy tambourine player Anita Goodbath stormed into the office Monday with ‘righteous indignation’ over the removal of the nativity scene and left a letter on my desk,” said Smithwick. “I called the courthouse, and they said everyone loved the scene; they hadn’t heard a single complaint.”

We asked Charles Nettles, local science teacher and suspected atheist, if he was offended by the church’s promoting of Christmas.

“Offended? Heaven’s no,” he laughed. “I plan to take my daughter Mary to the living nativity at the church next Sunday. She’s never held a little lamb; it will be a great experience.”

Callie Carpenter, barista at the local Starbucks, said that three members of the youth group came to the shop after church last Sunday, where Whitehead had reportedly preached about the heretical phrase, “Happy Holidays.”

“They all ordered tall Gingerbread Lattes, and as they were leaving, one said ‘Merry Christmas’ with a sneer,” said Carpenter. “When I said ‘Merry Christmas’ in return, they glanced at each other with angry looks and stormed out.”

“I just don’t know what the hell to think,” said Whitehead. “Last Tuesday, Deacon Mo bought a DVD of ‘Rudolf the Red-nose Reindeer’ for every elementary teacher at the school. We thought surely that would stir up the atheists and liberals. But you know what? Every one of those teachers showed the movie to their class, and not one parent complained. We at the church are starting to wonder what we’re even here for.”

While those outside the church have been fine with the congregation’s festivities, a few inside frowned upon last Sunday night’s performance of “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” by sixteen-year-old Ellie Goodbath and her youth director, Mark Nutters during Blue’s Night at the Crusty Crab. Neither Nutters nor Goodbath could be reached for comment.

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About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemmingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

Discussion

12 thoughts on “Church Offended that No One is Offended by Christmas

  1. The War on Christmas has got to be one of my favorite right-wing outrage topics. This is hilarious!

    Posted by whatsnonfiction | December 15, 2018, 7:56 am
  2. Maybe it’s the folks at Planned Parenthood, who are selling baby body parts, that are offended by Christmas.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | December 15, 2018, 8:02 am
  3. I am a little offended a$ to what Christma$ actually i$.

    Posted by jim- | December 15, 2018, 9:01 am
  4. When I was in middle school, a teacher showed Frosty the Snowman in class, and some Jehovah’s Witnesses complained. That’s the only time I’ve ever experienced the horrors of the War on Christmas. I don’t know if I have a point here, so Merry X-Mas!

    Posted by Shayne | December 17, 2018, 11:42 am

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