Grumpy as hell does not have to be reserved for Mondays. By following a few simple steps, you can do it on Fridays, too. Here’s how.
1. Get home late Thursday night from a track meet after having fast food for supper. Drink several gallons of water to flush the grease out of your system.
2. Wake up three hours before the alarm goes off to pee again, but this time, lay awake worrying about the fast food you ate yesterday, whether you said something offensive to your friend at the track meet, and whether you wrote down the check for $3.87 to Taco Bell. Also, organize your work day minute by minute.
3. Wait fifteen minutes for the coffee to finish making only to realize that you did not add coffee to the filter.
4. Discover that you are out of coffee.
5. Decide you’ll have a bowl of raisin bran. See that your choices are cocoa pebbles or sour patch kids cereal. Pour a bowl of cocoa pebbles and find that you are out of milk.
6. Accept that there are no clean wash cloths and prepare to shower using your hands and a half sliver of soap. Run out of hot water in 38 seconds. Run out of warm water in 64 seconds.
7. Dry off as fast as you can using last night’s damp towel. Dress for a spring day not realizing that the strongest cold front of the year blew in 13 minutes ago.
8. Hand out the rest of your cash so that kids can pay their negative school cafeteria balances.
9. Forget the lunch that you spent fifteen minutes preparing. Realize that you also forgot deodorant.
10. Write another $3.87 check to Taco Bell.