How to, humor

How to Be Grumpy as Hell on Friday (Ten Simple Steps)

Grumpy as hell does not have to be reserved for Mondays. By following a few simple steps, you can do it on Fridays, too. Here’s how.

1. Get home late Thursday night from a track meet after having fast food for supper. Drink several gallons of water to flush the grease out of your system.

2. Wake up three hours before the alarm goes off to pee again, but this time, lay awake worrying about the fast food you ate yesterday, whether you said something offensive to your friend at the track meet, and whether you wrote down the check for $3.87 to Taco Bell. Also, organize your work day minute by minute.

3. Wait fifteen minutes for the coffee to finish making only to realize that you did not add coffee to the filter.

4. Discover that you are out of coffee.

5. Decide you’ll have a bowl of raisin bran. See that your choices are cocoa pebbles or sour patch kids cereal. Pour a bowl of cocoa pebbles and find that you are out of milk.

6. Accept that there are no clean wash cloths and prepare to shower using your hands and a half sliver of soap. Run out of hot water in 38 seconds. Run out of warm water in 64 seconds.

7. Dry off as fast as you can using last night’s damp towel. Dress for a spring day not realizing that the strongest cold front of the year blew in 13 minutes ago.

8. Hand out the rest of your cash so that kids can pay their negative school cafeteria balances.

9. Forget the lunch that you spent fifteen minutes preparing. Realize that you also forgot deodorant.

10. Write another $3.87 check to Taco Bell.

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


10 thoughts on “How to Be Grumpy as Hell on Friday (Ten Simple Steps)

  1. Having a rough day? (Now I’ll duck.)

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | March 1, 2019, 12:54 pm
    • I may have exaggerated a bit. I woke up grumpy and just imagined the rest.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | March 1, 2019, 12:56 pm
      • It’s been my experience that imagination can feed grumpiness. Thinking of the worst scenarios I might encounter leaves me feeling pissed. But when I imagine they happen to someone else, it’s funny. So your post was very funny, to me.

        Posted by Tippy Gnu | March 1, 2019, 1:28 pm
      • I’m glad you laughed. And yep–imagination definitely feeds my grumpiness.

        Posted by Nowhere Tribune | March 1, 2019, 6:08 pm
  2. I’ve been there with no coffee and some times having forgotten the water waiting for the Glass to crack.

    Posted by Bob the Penguin | March 1, 2019, 2:24 pm
  3. 😜

    Posted by ellie894 | March 1, 2019, 6:42 pm
  4. lol I am glad it wasn’t real!

    Posted by pkadams | March 2, 2019, 9:04 pm
  5. LOL. As some who has mastered the art of being cantankerous, I can totally relate to this. I cannot, however, ever related to running out of coffee.

    Posted by Vik Khanna | March 3, 2019, 5:51 am
  6. Haha that lifted my mood up! Not having coffee/milk/cereal when you wake up in the morning is a pain in the buttside though.

    Posted by TheCovertAtheist | March 3, 2019, 3:16 pm

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