satire

Local Cow Herd Goes on Strike Demanding Better Treatment

BAIRD, TX—A local group of cattle is on strike until they receive the same rights as the horses, says a representative of the herd.

According to the black Angus herd bull, Chester, the cattle are tired of being treated like second class citizens of the farm.

“The horses sleep in private stalls each night, while we’re out here with the coyotes,” he said. “They get their manes and tails combed and their hooves cleaned. And they get their own feed bowls. See that hay ring over there? Would you want to eat out of that? Some of us get tired of the buffet, bub.”

From what we could see, conditions were above average on the 5J Ranch, home of the disgruntled kine. A windmill pumped clean water into tanks that were in good repair, and cattle were rotated among pastures to ensure there was no over-grazing. Also, about 100 acres of wheat was still green and lush, available for the cattle and horses alike.

We mentioned this to one of the cows, Wilma Bovine (according to Wilma, it’s the French pronunciation, Bo-veen-ay).

“You are making light of our plight, monsieur,” said Ms. Bovine. “Things look good on ze surface, but ze horses, they have it better, no? Until we have the same as them, we will work no more.”

“Excuse the way she talks,” said Heidi the yearling heifer, rolling her eyes. “She’s convinced that her great grandmother was a Maine-Anjou.”

Our Dallas correspondent made the mistake of asking Wilma exactly what kind of work she and the other cows are refraining from.

“We make ze little calves, monsieur,” she answered. “Are you in need of further explanation?”

“Ah, hell,” said Frank Tidwell, the farm manager. “They’re just bluffing. Sure, old Chester ain’t serving them cows no more, but that’s just because he’s ten years old. He couldn’t breed if he wanted to. He’s covering up his shame by trying to pretend he’s all high and mighty. He never even noticed those damn horses back in his prime.”

One of the cowboys agreed. “And even if they ain’t bluffing,” he said, “I saw Heidi and the other heifers eyeing those young bulls in the back pasture. If we turn them in together, there’ll be calves scattered from hell to breakfast.”

“Still,” said Mr. Tidwell, “we’re making plans to put out some fresh salt licks and several more molasses tubs. Maybe that will calm them down for now.”

The horses had no comment.

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

Discussion

19 thoughts on “Local Cow Herd Goes on Strike Demanding Better Treatment

  1. Very funny. Nice accompaniment to morning coffee.

    Posted by Vik Khanna | March 22, 2019, 6:33 am
  2. Bo-veen-ay.
    Love it!
    Give that cow a latte immediately.

    Posted by rivergirl1211 | March 22, 2019, 8:09 am
  3. Them cowboys ain’t bronc busters, they’re union busters. But I think the horses have won this contest right out of the gait.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | March 22, 2019, 8:15 am
  4. Great story. Try to find the one about chickens suing Colonel Sanders for mistreatment in slaughterhouses across America.

    Posted by Darnell Cureton | March 22, 2019, 12:02 pm
  5. Hahaha! Very funny! My kids had a book called Clack, Clack. Moo. Cows that Type. Or something like that. The barnyard animals get a typewriter and go on strike. Great illustrations.

    Posted by pkadams | March 22, 2019, 12:37 pm
    • That sounds great. I love talking, or typing, animals.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | March 22, 2019, 12:38 pm
    • Oops, Click Clack Moo. I don’t know if your kids are young enough for it , but if they like picture books, it’s a good one.

      Posted by pkadams | March 22, 2019, 12:38 pm
      • Ah, I miss the picture book days. My youngest is ten now, and he has graduated to “chapter books.”

        Posted by Nowhere Tribune | March 22, 2019, 12:42 pm
      • Me, too. I used to lay down with my kids every night and read to them book after book. For many years it was the routine. Hopefully we will get to read to grandkids someday. Enjoy that 10 yr old as long as possible! Rocky times are coming. :/

        Posted by pkadams | March 22, 2019, 12:47 pm
  6. Great story, funny stuff

    Posted by bigguyhiking | March 22, 2019, 2:39 pm
  7. So funny and creative!

    Posted by Snowbird In Training | March 22, 2019, 2:58 pm
  8. This is delightful! (I have nothing of any value to actually add, ha.)

    Posted by Erin Haske | March 22, 2019, 9:25 pm

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