You’re tired of being the wimp on the block. You want to be feared by boys and respected by bikers, yet you don’t have time to become a true badass. Here are some tips to help you look the part.
- Gain weight.
Think of the movies. How many scrawny bad asses do you see? That’s right. None. (Bruce Lee doesn’t count.) Lift heavy weights, drink a gallon of milk a day, and quit running fifty-two miles per week. Forget your abs—you’re not trying to get on the cover of Men’s Health. You need a lotta muscle, and with that comes some abdominal pooch.
- Shave your head.
You don’t have to be slick and shiny—a number two buzz cut on top with a short fade on the sides works, too. Whether you shave it slick or get a longer buzz, very short hair is a must. Nothing says “hit me” like long, flowing bangs or a big glob of gel. How much time do soldiers have to blow dry and crimp their hair? That’s right, pretty boy. Shave it off.
- Grow a beard.
Nothing says man like a full beard. Not even the meanest, weight-lifting, snuff dipping, MMA fighting woman can grow one; it’s the one thing left that sets you apart. Especially now that your girl friend can bench press more than you. And I’m not talking ten-day stubble. “That dude in the underwear ad looks scary” said no man ever.
- Get a big tattoo.
Just make sure it’s not a butterfly. Also, it must be on your arm. Remember—one ankle tattoo knocks you back ten points on the man scale. A butterfly on your ankle? Hopeless.
- Wear jeans.
You ever see John Wayne in a pair of running shorts? In jeans, you’re ready to work or fight. Also, they’ll cover up that ankle tattoo. Just be sure not to get the kind with embroidered designs on the ass, or you might as well join the girl scouts. And wear a belt. If your boxers are showing, you’re a joke.
- Wear gray or black shirts only.
That’s right—gray and black are the only colors in your rainbow, big boy. Give that pink shirt your sister bought you to goodwill. Real men don’t wear pink. When it’s cold, a red flannel shirt is okay (think lumberjack) as long as your beard is full.
- Wear man shoes.
If you live in Texas, Oklahoma, or a northwestern state, cowboy boots are okay if you know what the hell you’re doing. Otherwise, work boots or hiking boots will do. Drab colored tennis shoes are okay. Just make sure they’re not bright, too stylish, or too trendy. Black or white converse chucks will work. If they were good enough for the boys in the Outsiders, they’re good enough for you. Throw the damn crocks, sandals, and flip-flops away. If I’m going to pick a victim, he will be wearing sandals.
- Ditch the phones.
Headphones or smartphones, it doesn’t matter. If you’re jamming to your music, or scrolling through your Instagram, your ass will get kicked, and you won’t even notice.
- Wear a clip knife.
Even if you don’t know how to open it, that clip showing outside your jeans pocket adds an extra layer of, “Don’t mess with me.” Just make sure it’s not pink. Bonus: you can open boxes for your mom.
- Eschew Jewelry.
And the word, “eschew.” The only thing you are allowed is a tactical watch and the clip from your knife. No chains, no rings, no nada. Unless you are a true badass, don’t even think about an ear ring. And even then, I’m going to smirk at it.
** Others: Don’t smile. Keep your chin up (unless you’re fighting). No happy words on your T-shirts, or smiley faces, or puppy dogs. No brightly colored ball caps. Black toboggans are good for any weather if they don’t have fuzzy balls on top. No tights. Practice the urban scowl. Quit using your mom’s Curel. Never, ever wear lifting gloves. When typing, don’t use exclamation points or write, “LOL.” And don’t speak unless you must:
“It’s better to remain silent and be thought a sissy, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
What are your tips?