Let’s face it, men. To 90% of all women other than your wife *, sister, mother, great-aunt, and (maybe) daughter, you are creepy. This is especially true of men, like myself, who are at or near forty and slightly balding. Think about it. What do all the creepers in 80’s stalker movies look like? Sorry.
This is true whether you’re married or single, black or white, straight or gay, outgoing or quiet. You’re going to give some lady, somewhere, the creeps. Even that woman who creeps you out is going to tell her friends that you are “really creepy.” Still, although it’s inevitable that we be creeps, we will do well to remember our creepiness and take basic steps to minimize it.
- Minimize visible chest hair.
This doesn’t mean to shave your chest; that, too, can be creepy. But don’t borrow your wife’s low-cut tank top. And unless you’re between the ages of 18 and 20, don’t go shirtless, regardless of how hot you are.
- Shave your moustache **.
Remember that 80’s stalker movie we mentioned?
- Wear shorts that cover your thighs.
Again, borrowing your wife’s clothing is a bad idea. When I was a boy, a man down the road used to work in his garden wearing nothing but hot pink shorty shorts. He’d always wave when we drove by. Mama hated him and always said he was creepy.
- Don’t talk to attractive females you don’t know in grocery store parking lots.
But if you do, be aware of two things: you stink, and you’re creepy. The sooner you remember these, the better.
- Don’t stare at members of the opposite sex, especially if you are wearing large, dark shades and have a moustache.
- Remember: if a young, attractive female smiles at you, it is not because she thinks you’re hot. It may be that you remind her of her dad. Or granddad. Or creepy uncle.
- Don’t offer free massages to random ladies.
- Don’t imagine for one second that the waitress at Hooter’s is interested in you; she is merely trying to pay her college tuition. She knows her boobies are nice; the last five creeps she waited on before you told her. Don’t be the sixth.
- Wear deodorant.
- If a fitness class is full of ladies, don’t casually decide you “might like to work on your abs.” Sure, there are no rules against a creepy dude slipping into the back of the Zumba class in his Daisy Dukes, but there are also no rules against all the women considering you a creep. Also, they or their husbands may hurt you.
I hope these tips are helpful, men. If we can just remember that we are creepy regardless of what we do or say, that’s half the battle!
* Even my wife thinks I’m creepy 63% of the time.
** A moustache alone may not qualify as creepy. Cowboys are exempt from this rule. Moustaches do not go with short, pink shorts, however.