advice, humor, men, tips

Tips for Men: How to Minimize Your Creepiness

Let’s face it, men. To 90% of all women other than your wife *, sister, mother, great-aunt, and (maybe) daughter, you are creepy. This is especially true of men, like myself, who are at or near forty and slightly balding. Think about it. What do all the creepers in 80’s stalker movies look like? Sorry.

This is true whether you’re married or single, black or white, straight or gay, outgoing or quiet. You’re going to give some lady, somewhere, the creeps. Even that woman who creeps you out is going to tell her friends that you are “really creepy.” Still, although it’s inevitable that we be creeps, we will do well to remember our creepiness and take basic steps to minimize it.

  1. Minimize visible chest hair.

This doesn’t mean to shave your chest; that, too, can be creepy. But don’t borrow your wife’s low-cut tank top. And unless you’re between the ages of 18 and 20, don’t go shirtless, regardless of how hot you are.

  1. Shave your moustache **.

Remember that 80’s stalker movie we mentioned?

  1. Wear shorts that cover your thighs.

Again, borrowing your wife’s clothing is a bad idea. When I was a boy, a man down the road used to work in his garden wearing nothing but hot pink shorty shorts. He’d always wave when we drove by. Mama hated him and always said he was creepy.

  1. Don’t talk to attractive females you don’t know in grocery store parking lots.

But if you do, be aware of two things: you stink, and you’re creepy. The sooner you remember these, the better.

  1. Don’t stare at members of the opposite sex, especially if you are wearing large, dark shades and have a moustache.
  1. Remember: if a young, attractive female smiles at you, it is not because she thinks you’re hot. It may be that you remind her of her dad. Or granddad. Or creepy uncle.
  1. Don’t offer free massages to random ladies.
  1. Don’t imagine for one second that the waitress at Hooter’s is interested in you; she is merely trying to pay her college tuition. She knows her boobies are nice; the last five creeps she waited on before you told her. Don’t be the sixth.
  1. Wear deodorant.
  1. If a fitness class is full of ladies, don’t casually decide you “might like to work on your abs.” Sure, there are no rules against a creepy dude slipping into the back of the Zumba class in his Daisy Dukes, but there are also no rules against all the women considering you a creep. Also, they or their husbands may hurt you.

 

I hope these tips are helpful, men. If we can just remember that we are creepy regardless of what we do or say, that’s half the battle!

 

* Even my wife thinks I’m creepy 63% of the time.

** A moustache alone may not qualify as creepy. Cowboys are exempt from this rule. Moustaches do not go with short, pink shorts, however.

 

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

Discussion

48 thoughts on “Tips for Men: How to Minimize Your Creepiness

  1. You nailed it! I might have to print some of these out and slip ’em under a few Buick windshield wipers.

    Posted by Shayne | April 29, 2019, 9:27 pm
  2. Sooooo good😂🤣😂🤣 My husband and I LOVE this post!😂🤣😂 I rarely read blogs to him, but this one i had to!😂

    Posted by stephanieroath3157 | April 29, 2019, 9:31 pm
  3. It’s true. And we’re all sleezebags. And if women could read our minds, we’d all be thrown in jail. And we wouldn’t care because all our guards would be female. In fact, just making a comment like this is creepy. But I can’t help it. I’m a man.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | April 29, 2019, 9:41 pm
  4. But that’s not a very good picture of you.

    Posted by jim- | April 29, 2019, 10:18 pm
  5. Satirical but true.

    Posted by TheCovertAtheist | April 29, 2019, 11:55 pm
  6. Fun post! But moustaches are cool. On men, of course.

    Posted by Steeny Lou | April 30, 2019, 12:32 am
  7. Thank you for that public service announcement. I shall await your (creepy) television video version with bated breath.

    Posted by rivergirl1211 | April 30, 2019, 6:34 am
  8. Hahahaha the truth of this 🤣🤣

    Posted by Sassyfitnesschick | April 30, 2019, 10:41 am
  9. I became aware of the fact that most girls find me creepy somewhere in the midst of late middle school to early high school. It doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

    Sometimes women smile at me, but I kind of interpret it as pity, like if you see a kid who just had the scoop fall off of his ice cream cone.

    A lot of times I see an attractive woman and the first thing that pops into my head is “boy, I bet I could sure disappoint her!”

    I mostly just try to avoid giving women any reason to call the police and get on with my life.

    Posted by Jason Frels | April 30, 2019, 8:03 pm
  10. what did I just read

    Posted by Damony | April 30, 2019, 8:35 pm
  11. Bald? 40? Chest hair? I’m starting to think I’m a bit creepy myself. As far as short shorts go, I haven’t worn those since I was a kid in the 80’s and my striped tube socks went all the way up to my knees. At least I have that going for me.

    Posted by Ben | April 30, 2019, 10:01 pm
  12. Ha a mixture of humor and serious tips! I really enjoyed this post! That tip about talking to random women in parking lots is so true! Whenever men try that with me, I have my pepper spray in my hand just so that they’re aware they’re putting me in a bad position.

    Posted by kaylaannauthor | May 2, 2019, 8:06 pm
  13. This post made me laugh out loud! It’s hilarious, but also true. Even non creepy men occasionally cross the line into creepiness. Great post! Thanks for the chuckle!

    Posted by Middle Aged Momma | May 3, 2019, 5:41 am
  14. Loved your humor. Excellent post 👍😊

    Posted by Zeeshan Amin | May 7, 2019, 6:29 am
  15. Now this post gave me flashbacks to MY creepy uncle. Is it some sort of universal law that everyone must have one? (I actually have two, lucky me)
    Great post and great tips as usual! I felt tempted to add to “you stink and you’re creepy” that “you have bad breath”, but that might be the case solely with “my” creepy guys. But it might be a good thing to keep in mind, so one doesn’t get too close when they speak.
    But of course, YOU are not creepy at all. (I hope) XD Thanks for the laugh!

    Posted by Jay | May 13, 2019, 1:57 pm
    • Thank you, Jay! But of course I’m creepy; otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to write this post. (I will keep some chewing gum handy, though.)

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 13, 2019, 2:39 pm
      • I think we’re all creepy in our own ways. Maybe that’s what makes us human? That’s good material for some scientist out there to research!

        Posted by Jay | May 14, 2019, 9:50 am
  16. This made me chuckle and brought up a funny memory. Several years ago my husband and I were running a sports class in Central Park. We always say, “Do you have this?” when we see something creepy or alarming in Central Park. It is our job to protect the children so we always keep a close eye on what is going on around us. One morning we had this adorable group of preschool children sitting on a sheet waiting for pick up and this guy walks up and stands staring at our class. He had a long trench coat, dark glasses, and a wide brimmed hat on. So I say to my husband, “Coach, do you have this?” And he replies, “Yeah, that’s this kid’s dad.” It was Conan O’Brien and his kids were in our class. I was so embarrassed but totally amused.

    Posted by sarahdudek80 | May 14, 2019, 8:28 pm
  17. This post was so funny!
    I’m being chased around by a 60 year old creep, yikes. He’s very… persistent. I’m a 22 year old kid, help

    Posted by imghostlypale | May 16, 2019, 4:46 am
    • I’m glad you thought it was funny. Your 60 year old creep isn’t funny, though. You should get a big male friend to scare him off.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 16, 2019, 5:50 am
      • That’s a great idea. Unfortunately I don’t have friends, I might have to hire a bodyguard.

        Posted by imghostlypale | May 16, 2019, 7:39 am
      • Probably most men would be willing to be your bodyguard for free! It wouldn’t hurt to ask. I’d be flattered if someone asked me.

        Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 16, 2019, 8:14 am
      • All men want to be the hero of some young lady. Maybe the 30 something good looking dude you mentioned in one of your posts? Wouldn’t hurt to ask!

        Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 16, 2019, 8:19 am
      • Yeah, I could ask him, but we’re not on good terms right now… But there’s this other neighbour that’s really nice and I trust him, so I’ll just stand next to him in the park (if that creep comes to the park)

        Posted by imghostlypale | May 16, 2019, 8:40 am
      • Good plan.

        Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 16, 2019, 8:42 am
  18. LOL! This was great and so true. Not all men creep me out but my instincts help me decipher between the socially awkward and downright creepy. There’s a slight difference. Some advice for men is to remember the golden rule. Treat us women the way you want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). Be respectful, don’t assume anything and don’t objectify us and everything will be fine.

    Posted by heatherjo86 | June 29, 2019, 5:02 am

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