humor, satire

Young Abilene Woman Charged With Assaulting Talkative Co-Worker

Lily Teacake. Photo by FitNish Media on Unsplash

Little Lily Teacake is at it again.

Last summer Nowhere Tribune reported that Lily Teacake, 24, battered a male weight lifter at the Crusty Crab Weight Shack in Abilene.  Teacake was not charged with assault for that incident but wasn’t as lucky Monday.

Late Monday evening, the Abilene police department charged Teacake with assault and battery and took her to the Taylor County Jail. She was released two hours later for good behavior.

According to witnesses, the victim was Ruth Stewart, 48, Teacake’s co-worker at the local Subway sandwich shop.

We spoke with their manager, Hugo Perez, yesterday.

“I’m shocked,” said Perez. “Lily is sweat, quiet, and reserved. I’ve never had any complaints. To be honest, I didn’t even believe the story about her beating that dude down at the gym last year. Now I do. You never know, you know?”

One co-worker who wished to remain anonymous said she wasn’t surprised at all.

“Ruth likes to talk. Really, like she never, ever quits talking. And she’s taken a special interest in Lily. Poor Lily can’t get away from her.

“One day, Lily was on her way to the restroom when Ruth caught her. For thirty minutes she told Lily about her fibromyalgia. Lily was so kind, she stood there with her legs crossed trying to look concerned. We finally rescued her before she had an accident.”

Another co-worker said the condition has been worse the last two weeks.

“Ruth became concerned for Lily’s soul when she found out Lily is a Methodist. She began preaching to her continuously. Even while Lily was making sandwiches.”

According to sources, Monday was particularly rough for Teacake. When she arrived at work, Stewart handed her a tract on the heresy of baptism by sprinkling which she gave an oral summary of several times. She followed Teacake throughout the morning, either rebuking or praying.

At lunch, Lily chose to sit in her car. Unfortunately, she forgot to lock the doors.

According to Teacake herself, Ruth tapped on the glass and then let herself in through the passenger door.

“She moved my purse, my laptop, my gym bag, and my salad from the seat so she could squeeze in. Then she picked up my new Bible—the one my grandmother bought me as a college graduation gift–and began underlining verses. After that is a blur. I remember her talking, talking, talking. There were tears in her eyes. I had no idea what she said. I do remember her horrible breath, and that when I glanced at the clock and realized my lunch break was over, I lost it.”

Stewart is expected to make a full recovery. Because Teacake weighs a total of 95 pounds, the injuries she inflicted were not life-threatening. Stewart says she forgives Lily and that she looks forward to the two of them attending Christian counselling together. Teacake, meanwhile, has resigned from her job and is arranging to move to Ohio.

The local District Attorney has dropped all charges and released this official statement:

“I find the entire situation unfortunate, and I do wish Ms. Stewart a speedy recovery. However, my sympathies are with Ms. Teacake, as I too am a Methodist who’s had the misfortune to work with talkative Baptist women.”


Male Weight Lifter Battered by Woman at Local Gym

Fort Worth Man Dies from Overly Talkative Co-Workers




About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


10 thoughts on “Young Abilene Woman Charged With Assaulting Talkative Co-Worker

  1. Jesus… I never heard of this Teacake woman before. I get why she lost it…
    Hopefully that Baptist woman learned her lesson. Probably not…

    Posted by imghostlypale | May 23, 2019, 8:14 am
  2. Teacake could make a career of this. She can hire herself out as a bodyguard to protect others who are under the siege of talkaholics. I’d consider hiring her to accompany me to visits with my mother.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | May 23, 2019, 8:16 am
  3. Being held verbally hostage by pious people is no picnic. I don’t blame her for losing her cool. I just hope Lily Teacake can find some peace and quiet in Ohio.

    Posted by Shayne | May 23, 2019, 9:18 am
    • I think the two of you will become great friends. You have lots in common. I thought of asking you if I could use one of your FB profile pictures as the picture of Lily, actually. You two look a bit alike.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 23, 2019, 9:29 am
      • Haha I don’t think I have any pictures of me flexing. Lily and I will have to hit the gym together sometime. It’s better to be caught in a one-sided conversation when you have someone to suffer with you

        Posted by Shayne | May 23, 2019, 9:53 am
  4. Oh man, Teacake had every right, I mean wow. I’m going to create a t-shirt that says “Free Teacake” or wait, that might be taken out of context, lmao.

    Posted by thehuntress915 | May 23, 2019, 9:21 am
    • Ha! Yeah, Teacake is my hero. Especially when she whipped the gym bro. And “free teacake” on a T may give the wrong message. I’m still laughing…

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 23, 2019, 9:26 am


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