humor, satire, self defense

Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Random Violence Victim of Random Violence

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

A group of young gang members dragged a Dallas man out of his car, beat him, and stabbed him multiple times Wednesday night. According to authorities, nothing was stolen. Police are calling the assault a random act of violence.

The victim, 38-year-old Maxwell Davenport, disagrees.

According to Davenport, who teaches Social Science at the University of Texas in Arlington, random violence doesn’t exist.

“Every semester I tell my students that they are 100 times more likely to get lucky with Jennifer Lawrence than to become a victim of random violence. It just doesn’t happen,” said a bruised and broken Davenport from his bed at Dallas Regional this morning.

When asked why he made no attempt to defend himself, Davenport replied, “I defend myself by being kind and polite. People who worry about self-defense are asking for trouble.”

According to police, there have been multiple warnings to stay out of the area where Davenport was attacked.

“Professor Davenport not only failed to heed those warnings, but he also drove around the barricades that the local gangs set up and then chose to park in front of Pinky’s Liquor Store on South 1st—the one with the barred windows, gang graffiti, and bullet holes.”

Witnesses say that several young men in gang attire surrounded Davenport’s BMW while he appeared to read a newspaper and drink coffee. They waited several minutes before attempting to open his car door and make an attack.

“Why would I have been concerned with men outside my car?” asked Davenport. “I took no notice of their bandanas or facial tattoos. I have no right to judge a man based upon his appearance, and I refuse to be paranoid or live my life in fear. It would have been insulting to those men had I locked my door upon their arrival. Who wants to live like that?”

When asked if, considering recent events, Davenport would consider the possibility of occasional random violence, he said no.

“I must have known those men from somewhere,” he said. “They were probably some of my former students just acting out or pulling pranks.”

About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.


26 thoughts on “Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Random Violence Victim of Random Violence

  1. What’s wrong with that dude? Self defense is important!
    I live in Europe, Croatia, so we never worry about getting robbed or anything like that, it doesn’t happen often. But when you live in America, you should be careful… I’ve watched videos of people who moved from America to Europe, comparing these two. They said that they didn’t even realize how paranoid and ‘on edge’ they were until they came to Europe. People here are more relaxed and we don’t think about stuff that could happen to us. I feel like we don’t have to think about stuff like that, we have less gangs (I think), less shootings (they don’t happen unless ISIS does that, from what I know), we have less violence, I believe.
    It almost seems like this guy was asking for it, going to the area that the police warned people about…

    Posted by imghostlypale | May 24, 2019, 9:44 am
    • He was asking for it, for sure. Here, it just depends on where you live. I live in a rural part of Texas with very little crime. We don’t have to worry. But in the cities? Yes.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 24, 2019, 9:51 am
    • Just wanted to say “Zdravo” because I saw that you live in Croatia. My dad was from a nearby part of the world, that being Serbia. I know your people and his have been at odds, but my dad escaped from his old country and became Canadian. I hope you have a good day in your beautiful country!

      Posted by Steeny Lou | May 24, 2019, 9:52 am
    • I noticed you’re from Croatia on your blog. That sounds very cool! Thanks so much for your comment, too. By the way, I make these news stories up as a way to discuss things I disagree with or that irritate me. They are satire. That’s why they sound unbelievable. But they are always based partly on truth.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 24, 2019, 9:55 am
  2. I see the word “satire” in your tags on this one. I sure hope that’s what it is.

    Posted by Steeny Lou | May 24, 2019, 9:49 am
  3. Hmmm 🤔, so if I “believed” that everyone should share their wealth, I’d go and take a joy ride in my bosses Corvette……I think he’d be okay with that. I’ll be back……

    Posted by thehuntress915 | May 24, 2019, 10:13 am
  4. Naive thinking will not change the world.

    Posted by Darnell Cureton | May 24, 2019, 10:32 am
  5. As a firm believer in nonviolence, I’m ready to kick anyone’s ass who doesn’t share my beliefs.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | May 24, 2019, 10:42 am
  6. Yeah… it was me that beat him up. Blocking valuable parking space in front of Pinky’s when home girl needs her weekend tequila is a definite no no.

    Posted by Rivergirl | May 24, 2019, 1:02 pm
  7. The most dangerous situation that find myself in is morning traffic. Why are all these people in such a hurry to get to work anyway?

    Been deadly for more than a thousand people in Texas so far this year. I do practice self defensive driving. So far this week I have accidentally killed one squirrel. The squirrel apparently did not believe in randomly getting killed by one of the big loud shiny things that move about on the hard part of the ground.

    Posted by Jason Frels | May 24, 2019, 1:27 pm
    • I’m with you, Jason. I hate driving down our interstates. I went to a graduation near Fort Worth last night, and I’ve been dreading the drive for two months. I was very happy to get home safely, as I am every time I have to get on the road.

      Posted by Nowhere Tribune | May 24, 2019, 3:27 pm
      • I will drive an extra hour and take the back roads rather than take IH35 up North. I have a brother in Oklahoma City and have had to drive up that way enough times. There is always a traffic jam somewhere between Belton and Waco. I don’t know why.

        Posted by Jason Frels | May 24, 2019, 3:40 pm
  8. I am so gullible, I believed your story until I read some of the comments. Still, you make a good point, there are people who have a pretty naive view of the world.

    Posted by Middle Aged Momma | May 25, 2019, 7:13 am
  9. Nice and informative article. I have also written the Post
    How to End Violence? What is the actual Solution???
    I hope you will like above Post also.

    Posted by J.S - WEW | May 27, 2019, 4:07 am

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