satire

Houston City Council Cancels Summer 2021 due to Possible Heat Outbreak

Co-authored by our favorite reporter, Shayne, and our least favorite reporter, John

HOUSTON, Texas—October 14, 2020:

The Houston City Council voted to cancel the summer of 2021 during their regularly scheduled meeting last night after a heated debate. 

Mayor Kitty Carroll was in favor of the move:

“The safety of Houston residents is our main concern, and historic data shows that summers in Houston can be dangerously hot—especially for the elderly and for those few who still work. We just can’t take the risk,” she said.

Council member Amos Ramos voted against the measure calling it government overreach. After the meeting, Ramos posted the following on his personal Twitter account:

“There’s absolutely no evidence that it gets hot in Houston; this is a clear case of godlessness and socialism, and I won’t stand for it in my community. #summer #tyranny #JustLookAtVenezuela.”

Other members agreed that heat is a problem for the Houston area, but hoped to work toward a less drastic solution.

“Last week the Dallas Council voted to postpone summer until the third week of July,” said member Charles Nettles. “That would help keep our air conditioning service men and women from being overwhelmed in the beginning and would also delay heat-related deaths until the end of July or August, when they are more acceptable. We should have a cure, or at least a better stock of popsicles, by then.”

Many citizens voiced their opinions during open comment before the decision went to a vote. An emotional Anita Goodbath, who filed a lawsuit against the city of Houston after the recent hurricanes, was the first to speak.

“Summer heat has been a problem for years,” she said through tears, “yet the city elites have chosen to look the other way while thousands suffered and died. Their blood is on your hands, Houston. Shame on you.”

An unnamed citizen commented that if Goodbath didn’t like the heat, she should move back to the northeast where she was from. The Houston Squat Team, who recently replaced the defunded Houston PD, promptly escorted the man to the Harris County Jail on charges of insensitivity. 

Just before the vote, the mayor read a letter from Governor Abbott saying that he would agree to the measure if the city also closed beauty parlors and insured that bars are only open from 8:00 A.M. to 9:00 A.M., Tuesday through Wednesday; outdoor gatherings are only held after sunset, but bonfires are banned; and restaurants provide cold beverages with luke-warm meals. Coffee sales will be limited to November through January.

In a related matter, the council voted to table the motion made by Robert Squires that anyone spotted not wearing a sunhat or clothing of light, summer colors and manmade fabric between the months of April and September be fined $500.

Shortly after the meeting, area stores were already reporting shortages of Coors Light, Mentos candy, and toilet paper. 

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About Nowhere Tribune

A husband and daddy, striving to love his neighbors and be kind to his pets. I love good food, good beer, and a few good friends. My other interests are hiking, taking walks, lifting weights, reading books by manly authors like Hemingway and Twain, and splitting fire wood with my bare hands.

Discussion

12 thoughts on “Houston City Council Cancels Summer 2021 due to Possible Heat Outbreak

  1. I wouldn’t be surprised if this actually started happening… lol

    Posted by Clever Girl | October 14, 2020, 3:10 pm
  2. You couldn’t be our least favorite reporter if you tried!

    Posted by Shayne | October 14, 2020, 4:33 pm
  3. Brilliant. I’m inspired.. and shall lobby to cancel mud season in Maine forthwith.

    Posted by Rivergirl | October 14, 2020, 5:55 pm
  4. I sure hope the CDC doesn’t catch wind of this.

    Posted by Tippy Gnu | October 14, 2020, 8:26 pm
  5. Perfect timing, as summer approaches down here! I wonder if it’s too late to petition for it to be canceled! Also, always fun when you and Shayne work together!

    Posted by Jay | October 17, 2020, 9:56 pm

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