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New Study Finds that Male Rabbits Rank Happiest Among Mammals

Special thanks go to Shayne for helping with this story. She contributed the good parts, and we contributed the rest. STEPHENVILLE, TX—Researchers from the Tarleton State University Department of Wildlife Science have concluded that, of all mammals, male rabbits are the most happy, relaxed, and confident. “We’ve conducted a five-year study of North Texas mammals,” … Continue reading

Church Boycotts Starbucks after Worker fails to say ‘Bless you’

Sunny Bog, Florida: A local church is boycotting Starbucks after a young barista failed to say ‘bless you’ to a sneezy customer. Sources say that Anita Goodbath, tambourine player at Old Times Gospel Church, sneezed while waiting for her Venti Mocha Frappuccino and blueberry donut last Sunday afternoon, but Callie Carpenter, sixteen-year-old barista and Junior … Continue reading

10U Softball Players Write New League Rules Banning Adults from Games and Practices

Fed up with poor sportsmanship and bad behavior, a group of nine and ten-year-old softball players in North Texas voted last week to make long-needed changes to their league. “Things were getting out of hand,” said Hannah Wright, starting pitcher for the Beastie Bats and fourth grader at Little Tree Elementary last Wednesday. “We really … Continue reading

Male Weight Lifter Battered by Woman at Local Gym

Abilene, Texas: A young Abilene man spent the night in a local emergency room after receiving a thrashing from a female gym goer last Wednesday. According to eye witnesses, Shelby Stewart, a regular Bro at the Crusty Crab Weight Shack on South 14th street, had it coming. “The guy is obnoxious,” said an older gentleman … Continue reading

Texas Panel Pushes for Flat-Earth Theory in Textbooks

Austin, Texas: As the State Board of Education moves forward on the approval of text books for use beginning in 2019, several politically appointed panel members want to see “flat earth science” presented as a valid alternative to the round-earth conspiracy. “Neither round earth nor flat earth science provide all the answers,” said panelist Beth … Continue reading

Forecast Says Rain is Possible Within the Next Six Months

Big Country, Texas: Staff meteorologist Kitty Franklin says rain is possible in Northwest Texas over the next six months. “Although we haven’t had measurable rain since February, historical weather data shows it usually rains at least once between June and December,” said Franklin yesterday from her backyard garden of wilted garlic and dying prickly pear. … Continue reading

Florida Church Adds Shark Handling to Worship Services

Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida recently added a new practice to their worship services—shark handling. Judson Whitehead, pastor of the church, requested the baptismal tank be converted to a salt water aquarium to accommodate a number of small bull and tiger sharks during last year’s budget meeting. The updates were completed last … Continue reading

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