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This category contains 30 posts

Houston City Council Cancels Summer 2021 due to Possible Heat Outbreak

Co-authored by our favorite reporter, Shayne, and our least favorite reporter, John HOUSTON, Texas—October 14, 2020: The Houston City Council voted to cancel the summer of 2021 during their regularly scheduled meeting last night after a heated debate.  Mayor Kitty Carroll was in favor of the move: “The safety of Houston residents is our main … Continue reading

Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Random Violence Victim of Random Violence

A group of young gang members dragged a Dallas man out of his car, beat him, and stabbed him multiple times Wednesday night. According to authorities, nothing was stolen. Police are calling the assault a random act of violence. The victim, 38-year-old Maxwell Davenport, disagrees. According to Davenport, who teaches Social Science at the University … Continue reading

Young Abilene Woman Charged With Assaulting Talkative Co-Worker

Little Lily Teacake is at it again. Last summer Nowhere Tribune reported that Lily Teacake, 24, battered a male weight lifter at the Crusty Crab Weight Shack in Abilene.  Teacake was not charged with assault for that incident but wasn’t as lucky Monday. Late Monday evening, the Abilene police department charged Teacake with assault and … Continue reading

Dad’s Sideline Coaching Wins the Game

BURLESON, TX—A local third-grade basketball player became the star during her league tournament last Saturday thanks to her dad’s instructions from the bleachers. According to eye-witnesses, Katie Freeman of the Little Elks struggled to help her team during the first quarter. “Every time she got the ball, she turned it over,” said Clyde Witherspoon. “She … Continue reading

Local Cow Herd Goes on Strike Demanding Better Treatment

BAIRD, TX—A local group of cattle is on strike until they receive the same rights as the horses, says a representative of the herd. According to the black Angus herd bull, Chester, the cattle are tired of being treated like second class citizens of the farm. “The horses sleep in private stalls each night, while … Continue reading

Cleburne Man Nominates Himself for Humble Citizen Award

CLEBURNE, TX—Clyde Haralson of Cleburne nominated himself for the Humble Citizen award to be given at next month’s Chamber of Commerce Banquet. “It’s a great honor that I don’t deserve; I’m truly umbled to have been asked to nominate myself for such an award,” said Haralson in a news release he submitted to the Times. … Continue reading

Church Offended that No One is Offended by Christmas

SUNNYBOG, FL—Judson Whitehead, Pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, said yesterday that he and other church leaders were “Offended to learn that no one is really offended by Christmas.” “We were all geared up to fight against the war on Christmas,” said a disappointed Whitehead from his office. “It was quite a … Continue reading

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