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This tag is associated with 22 posts

Young Abilene Woman Charged With Assaulting Talkative Co-Worker

Little Lily Teacake is at it again. Last summer Nowhere Tribune reported that Lily Teacake, 24, battered a male weight lifter at the Crusty Crab Weight Shack in Abilene.  Teacake was not charged with assault for that incident but wasn’t as lucky Monday. Late Monday evening, the Abilene police department charged Teacake with assault and … Continue reading

Church Offended that No One is Offended by Christmas

SUNNYBOG, FL—Judson Whitehead, Pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, said yesterday that he and other church leaders were “Offended to learn that no one is really offended by Christmas.” “We were all geared up to fight against the war on Christmas,” said a disappointed Whitehead from his office. “It was quite a … Continue reading

Creation Scientist Says Alamo is, ‘At Most, Thirty Years Old’

San Antonio, Texas: Shaded under the sprawling branches of the 106-year-old Live Oak known as the “Heritage Tree” behind the North Barracks of the Alamo, renowned creation scientist Harry Hornelius said yesterday that the mission made famous by the Texas Revolution is “at most, thirty years old.” Nowhere Tribune’s Leo Hernandez, a thirty-year-old native of … Continue reading

Church Boycotts Starbucks after Worker fails to say ‘Bless you’

Sunny Bog, Florida: A local church is boycotting Starbucks after a young barista failed to say ‘bless you’ to a sneezy customer. Sources say that Anita Goodbath, tambourine player at Old Times Gospel Church, sneezed while waiting for her Venti Mocha Frappuccino and blueberry donut last Sunday afternoon, but Callie Carpenter, sixteen-year-old barista and Junior … Continue reading

CrossFit Coach Tells Clients to “Let Go and Let God”

A local CrossFit competitor is in the hospital after last Saturday’s games in Dallas. According to Sally Shortcake, things went south when she remembered a bit of advice from her coach. “I was in the snatch part of the contest,” said Sally. “I had the barbell overhead. It was my PR. (Yay!) Just then, I … Continue reading

Creation Scientist Says Sea Horses Don’t Exist

According to popular creation scientist Harry Hornelius, sea horses are “mythological creatures.” Standing inside the Sea Horse Exhibit at the National Aquarium in Baltimore, MD last Thursday, Hornelius explained: “The so-called ‘sea horse’ is a creation of the fallen mind, just like unicorns, centaurs, and dinosaurs. Nowhere in the Bible are sea horses mentioned.” When … Continue reading

East Texas Deacon Urges Local School Board to Drop Critical Thinking Course

Last Monday’s meeting of the Murky Creek ISD Board of Trustees had a bit of controversy over next year’s proposed 12th grade course in critical thinking. Jessica Hernandez, High School humanities teacher, thinks the course is needed at Murky Creek: “Our seniors will graduate and go out into the world,” said Hernandez. “Some will go … Continue reading

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