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This tag is associated with 10 posts

Young Abilene Woman Charged With Assaulting Talkative Co-Worker

Little Lily Teacake is at it again. Last summer Nowhere Tribune reported that Lily Teacake, 24, battered a male weight lifter at the Crusty Crab Weight Shack in Abilene.  Teacake was not charged with assault for that incident but wasn’t as lucky Monday. Late Monday evening, the Abilene police department charged Teacake with assault and … Continue reading

Yellow Labrador Disowned by Family and Church for Dating Chocolate Lab

JASPER, TX—Bowser McCain, Head Deacon at the First Canine hard-shell Baptist Church in Jasper, announced to the church Sunday that he is disowning his daughter. “It breaks my heart to have to tell you this, brethren and sistren,” said a weeping McCain, “but Daisy, our once beloved pup, has run off with a Chocolate Lab … Continue reading

Church Boycotts Starbucks after Worker fails to say ‘Bless you’

Sunny Bog, Florida: A local church is boycotting Starbucks after a young barista failed to say ‘bless you’ to a sneezy customer. Sources say that Anita Goodbath, tambourine player at Old Times Gospel Church, sneezed while waiting for her Venti Mocha Frappuccino and blueberry donut last Sunday afternoon, but Callie Carpenter, sixteen-year-old barista and Junior … Continue reading

CrossFit Coach Tells Clients to “Let Go and Let God”

A local CrossFit competitor is in the hospital after last Saturday’s games in Dallas. According to Sally Shortcake, things went south when she remembered a bit of advice from her coach. “I was in the snatch part of the contest,” said Sally. “I had the barbell overhead. It was my PR. (Yay!) Just then, I … Continue reading

Florida Church Adds Shark Handling to Worship Services

Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida recently added a new practice to their worship services—shark handling. Judson Whitehead, pastor of the church, requested the baptismal tank be converted to a salt water aquarium to accommodate a number of small bull and tiger sharks during last year’s budget meeting. The updates were completed last … Continue reading

Church Divided over Elderly Member’s Pot of Squirrel Stew

Vidor, Texas: A small East Texas church is divided after an elderly woman brought a pot of squirrel stew to the church dinner last Sunday. According to local sources, Susie Martin, affectionately known as “Granny,” brought squirrel stew to functions at Murky Creek Baptist Church in the past without causing a stink. But after Pastor … Continue reading

Florida Church Claims Young Member’s Pregnancy is a Miracle

Breaking: Judson Whitehead, Pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida, confirmed today that their church has been blessed with a miraculous conception. According to Whitehead and other prominent members, Ellie Goodbath, sixteen-year-old daughter of church secretary and tambourine player Anita Goodbath, is indeed a virgin with child. “The Lord promised that if … Continue reading

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