This tag is associated with 6 posts

Church Boycotts Starbucks after Worker fails to say ‘Bless you’

Sunny Bog, Florida: A local church is boycotting Starbucks after a young barista failed to say ‘bless you’ to a sneezy customer. Sources say that Anita Goodbath, tambourine player at Old Times Gospel Church, sneezed while waiting for her Venti Mocha Frappuccino and blueberry donut last Sunday afternoon, but Callie Carpenter, sixteen-year-old barista and Junior … Continue reading

Florida Church Adds Shark Handling to Worship Services

Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida recently added a new practice to their worship services—shark handling. Judson Whitehead, pastor of the church, requested the baptismal tank be converted to a salt water aquarium to accommodate a number of small bull and tiger sharks during last year’s budget meeting. The updates were completed last … Continue reading

Florida Church Claims Young Member’s Pregnancy is a Miracle

Breaking: Judson Whitehead, Pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida, confirmed today that their church has been blessed with a miraculous conception. According to Whitehead and other prominent members, Ellie Goodbath, sixteen-year-old daughter of church secretary and tambourine player Anita Goodbath, is indeed a virgin with child. “The Lord promised that if … Continue reading

Old Times Gospel Church Invites All to the Fourth Annual Revival and Turtle Shoot (Note: This is Fake News)

Judson Whitehead, pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida, invites everyone to attend the fourth annual Revival and Turtle Shoot on Sunday, July 8. “We’re hoping folks will join us to get saved, shoot some turtles, and have some great food,” said Whitehead. We asked Whitehead why the church has a turtle … Continue reading

Numerologists Say World did End Saturday, but NASA is Covering it Up

Christian numerologists say that the world did end on September 23, but that NASA is covering it up. Based upon an interpretation of Scripture and numerical codes in the King James Version Bible, numerologists predicted September 23 to be a “day of doom,” and they say that despite claims and evidence to the contrary, it was: … Continue reading

Florida Group Says that Clown Sightings Signal the End

Reports of clown attacks have been making news across the country. A Florida church says it’s no coincidence. “As soon as I seen that story about the clowns, I knew it was a sign,” said Judson Whitehead, pastor of Old Times Gospel Church in Sunny Bog, Florida. According to Whitehead, Daniel 12:4 is a direct … Continue reading

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