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satire

This tag is associated with 30 posts

Twenty-Three-Year-Old Trainer Saves Dave Draper from Bad Knees and Shoulders, Possible Death

Where once I was bound to childish wanderings and inconsequential deeds, I am now on the path of the timeless masters, the dust of their footsteps before me yet unsettled—Dave Draper, Iron In my Hands.   Paxton Sherrill, recent graduate and personal trainer at Planet Fitness, met with former Mr. Universe Dave Draper (76) to … Continue reading

Judge Proposes Border Wall Between Tarrant and Johnson Counties

FORT WORTH, TX—Tarrant County Judge Ben White proposed a border wall be constructed separating Tarrant County from Johnson County Monday afternoon during the meeting of the Commissioners Court. “We’ve worked hard to make Tarrant County a great place to live. And we’ve built a strong economy that encourages new business. But every day, thousands of … Continue reading

Southern Republicans Boycott McDonald’s

JACKSON, MS—McDonald’s is facing backlash from its largest consumer group—southern republicans—for its efforts to offer healthier menu items. The company announced this week that they will no longer use preservatives in their classic burgers, including the Big Mac. This follows their 2017 announcement that they would no longer treat their chickens with antibiotics. Critics say … Continue reading

Men: How to be Smoking Hot and Irresistible

You ain’t getting no action. It’s true—don’t deny it. The only time Winky gets kinky is when your parents are at work and you’re in the basement with those pictures you found of Aunt Maggie from her college days. She was something, wasn’t she? That’s pathetic. If the best you can do is a picture … Continue reading

Football Fan Credited for Last Night’s Win Against Rival School

QUITAQUE, TX—According to everyone in attendance at last night’s game between the home town Quitaque Boll Weevils and the visiting Estelline Prairie Dogs, the Weevil’s victory came down to the leadership of one dedicated fan. Ralph Martin (53) of Quitaque said that he was happy to have helped. “Those stupid coaches don’t know what the … Continue reading

New Study Finds that Male Rabbits Rank Happiest Among Mammals

Special thanks go to Shayne for helping with this story. She contributed the good parts, and we contributed the rest. STEPHENVILLE, TX—Researchers from the Tarleton State University Department of Wildlife Science have concluded that, of all mammals, male rabbits are the most happy, relaxed, and confident. “We’ve conducted a five-year study of North Texas mammals,” … Continue reading

Yellow Labrador Disowned by Family and Church for Dating Chocolate Lab

JASPER, TX—Bowser McCain, Head Deacon at the First Canine hard-shell Baptist Church in Jasper, announced to the church Sunday that he is disowning his daughter. “It breaks my heart to have to tell you this, brethren and sistren,” said a weeping McCain, “but Daisy, our once beloved pup, has run off with a Chocolate Lab … Continue reading

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